I hope everyone has had a nice Christmas!
I know i did! With or without the binging. We went round to my Grandma's house
with the cousins.
Was a right laugh :) Couldn't stop laughing throughout the whole day :)
Got some money, a photo album of my Dad, among other stuff!
Pretty good turn out me thinks.
This is a new start. No more binging.
It's back to restricting to under 1000 calories a day.
( The amount of calories i should consume should be on average over 2000)
So i guess it works out well!
No more than 1000 calories during the week.
Weekends, i shall allow a TINY. allowance just to stop the binging on EVERYTHING.
Calories consumed so far:
Little bowl of cereal: Around 200 calories.
It's only about 3pm...so still a way to go yet.
So onto other business...
I have well and truely fucked things up.
NO EXAGGERATION.
I told S about everything...and i mean EVERYTHING.
The cutting, the thoughts, the paranoia....
He still hasn't given up on me...Just WOW.
He said he will help me through. He wont give me up. He still loves and wants me.
He even said i could have access to his FB, so i can check his messages if i get too paranoid!?
He even said i could have access to his FB, so i can check his messages if i get too paranoid!?
Thing is...
I'm having second thoughts...
I've tried my best to break up with my BF. And i can't do it..and
TIME IS RUNNING OUT.
I tried last night...and he wouldn't let me. He told me this isn't over. We are not breaking up.
This is just temporary. He can't live without me. And then went offline from FB..and never came back.
NOW WHAT???!!!!
I need some serious guidance here girls...
I know he wont change deep down...I know he will make me feel horrible again.
But...I don't want to be without him...
I realised that last night.
I cried myself to sleep because of it.
Because i'm so damn confused....
I want to be with S..it's just..he lives so far away....2 hours away in fact.
We had a long conversation about it..the fact i can't get on trains to go see him because i'm physically afraid of them...I can't drive..so i can't get to him that way either.
He said it was OK...He would make the journeys...But i can't help thinking that he wont.
I love them both. What have i done...?
You know because of this....
My arm is a complete mess.
I cut..and cut...and cut. Until i couldn't anymore because it hurt too much.
When i wiped the blood away, it didn't look too bad.
It made my arm swell up. Don't know why.
I literally couldn't stop...once i saw blood..i wanted ( NEEDED) more.
I thought i deserved it.
1: For binging so much.
2: For fucking up everyones lives. Including mine.
I feel so utterly lost...
I want S.
But do i take the risk? Risk losing EVERYTHING.
For him?
I'm meant to be spending new years with him still..but right now...
I don't know if i want to.
Everything is such a mess.
On top of everything...i have College work to do...
LOADS.
Help me somebody....?
Astra x
I'm so glad you had such a wonderful Christmas! You deserve it!
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like S is being an amazing support to you. You know without me saying it that your current boyfriend is nothing but bad for you. I know you love him, but you need to leave him, properly. You know you do. You need to talk to him, face to face if you can although I know how scary that is, but otherwise by phone if you can face it.
Do not take no for an answer. I know only too well that the longer you leave it, the harder it gets. And yes, it will be difficult afterwards. He's a huge part of your life. Of course you'll miss him. That's okay. But the sooner you stop having anything to do with him, the sooner you'll stop missing him, and the sooner you can be happier.
Once you've made it clear to him, cut off all ties. Delete his number; take him off facebook. Ignore any contact from him.
Be strong, beautiful. You CAN do it.
So much love xxx
It seems like your boyfriend is always causing you trouble and I really think you should end it with him, especially since you've found S who seems so accepting and supportive.
ReplyDeleteThis reminds me of over the summer when I was trying to be friends with my x but he was just messing with my head and constantly messaging me all day long. I finally told him that night was the last time I was going to talk to him. I asked him if he had anything he'd like to say before I broke all means of communication with him. I let him say what he wanted and tried my best not to lash out at him. I said goodbye. And I blocked him.
I think it would be good if u could have a similar convo with you boyfriend, to let him say what he'd like and hopefully give you both a bit of closure. But honestly, you shouldn't have to put up with him if he's just gonna sign offline. If he can't talk about it, then maybe you can give him an inbox message? Just my thoughts on the situation.
Good luck sorting everything out!
My email is dreamsxandxbones@gmail.com feel free to email me whenever and about whatever you need to talk about :)
The boyf sounds like a classic liar. He's like an old, crusty band-aid that's really stuck onto your skin. It's going to hurt when you pull it off no matter what you do, so the best way is to just rip it off as fast as you can. That's what you'll have to do with him--just break it off, quickly and with no room for argument. "We're done," and that's that.
ReplyDeleteS sounds genuine. You don't want to lose him because of the boyf. It's hard, but you can do it! You're worth it!! You deserve someone wonderful, like S. <3