I feel a complete let down........
I'm sorry for the depressing posts lately.
About half an hour ago..i had a fight with my best friend AND S.
Our first argument. It was all over new years....and the fact i can't get into this club we was
planning on going to because i have no decent ID. They wont let me in. And he already bought
the tickets...so wasted his money =/
He went offline from MSN in a mood. I hate it. I just want to make him happy.? I can't stand it
when he is upset with me. So now new years is officially fucked. And it's all my fault. Now he is
probably going to talk to some other girl..and go with them.
Or is that my paranoia acting up?
Who knows!?
And then i had a fight with my best friend..i think she was in a mood. I just suggested that me,
her S and her BF could all spend it together...and she went off on one..having a go. I don't get it?
I give up with society. I don't fit in.
My food intake has been HORRENDOUS today too.
Probably well over 2000 cals... i feel such a fat pig.
I realised something today...I can't live without "Ana" I HATE personifying this. Bit it's the only way to describe it. I need the control. I need to count. I need to see bones. NEED.?
And then because of this...i cut " FUCK YOU" into my arm...Why? I don't really know. I don't even remember doing it...Which is very scary.
I also realised i shouldn't open my heart up so much to S. After our argument i realised how
much it hurt. I can't do that to myself. I HAVE TO protect myself this time. I fall in love so easily.
I already love him...And it HAS TO STOP!
If i let my heart get trampled on again...i wont survive.
It's already made me hate myself.
It brings on the need to cut. This time i gave in.
I have to put up some walls again. Who knows whats going to happen after all?
You know something.....sometimes i don't even want to break up with my BF =/....
But i know i have to..because his crying and pleading will only last a matter of weeks.
Then it will be back to normal...I can't go back to that. Even if he does keep threatening suicide
....FUCK! ><
Sorry this is depressing.
Love to you all
Astra x
P.S: S just text me saying he loves me, i'm not a let down. Ohh.....
Hugs x x x
ReplyDeleteWe should go to a far away place when nobody is there and noone could bother us....
ReplyDeleteI´m sorry you´re feeling like this. The fights weren´t your fault sweetie and S isn´t just gonna get another girl cause you can´t go.
I´ve cut too, but the word FAT...
We are here to read what you feel so don´t feel bad if it isn´t a happy post.
Lots of love!
I like the new blog design:) And I'm a big fan of picture today.
ReplyDeleteS is silly for buying those tix in the first place. IDs are expensive and some bouncers can tell even with a good fake. Putting up SOME walls is never a bad idea. Don't let S determine how you are feeling. I feel like you were angry with S and the friend, and instead of getting mad at them, you took the anger out on yourself. I hate to see you in pain.
And please break up with your boyfriend. He deserves the truth.
I'm sorry, hun. Life definitely throws you way more than your fair share of sh*t.
ReplyDeleteMaybe you could try not to cater to other people so much? You seem to bend over backwards for others, worrying about them before taking care of yourself. You're too selfless for your own good. <3
Hope everything works out for New Year's.
xoxo
Oh, love.
ReplyDeleteHold onto yourself, cling onto yourself.
And do what ever it is you need to do... But just don't lose yourself.
You are more precious than you'll ever know.
x