I'M SORRY I'VE BEEN A TERRIBLE BLOGGER!!!

 

Isn't the above statement so true????

HELLO LADIES!!! :)

I'm sorry for my absence...again. It's just so much has been going on lately, i've simply had no time to post        :(...or been too ashamed to. 

Ok...this may be a long post, since i have too much to say LOL.

I shall explain EVERYTHING in stages...and number it, so i can make sense of what i'm writing! 

1:FOOD.

2: THE BF AND S

3:MY HEAD. 

1: Ok...so my food?

For the last....3 weeks or so, i've been trying to end this vicious cycle of..binging, then not eating for days, then fluctuating.

I've been trying to eat like a NORMAL PERSON.  I know!!!

It is so incredibly hard to break this never ending cycle. I've been eating around 100 calories a day now. Instead of around the 500 mark. I'm upping my intake slowly, as not to scare myself back into a major relapse. I'm trying to do this by myself, without the intervention of therapists and such, as still no one knows of my eating habits. 

I'm trying not to look at too much thinspo on the net now...even though...ribs, collarbones, back ribs and all the other bones..still look so...appealing and beautiful?

I'm basically trying to ween myself off.

I'm trying to maintain my weight ( for now) which is currently around the 92lbs mark. It would be so easy to give in and lose again. But i'm determined not to!!! 

This is all so....odd to me now? Eating regular, just doesn't feel right. I still feel a fat bastard if i do eat too much...but i try to ignore those feelings.

Now this post might be a complete waste of time...because right now i'm feeling strong..so it's easy for me to say "I'm going to eat normally again".

Ithink within a week or so...i'l be back to my old ways...just because i felt so much happier then. But i just don't want to be burdened with yet another voice in my head telling me i'm fat...

I STILL FEEL FAT.

God...this is going to be hard....

2: THE BF AND S

So...where do i begin?

Basically..without going into so much detail your brains explode! Me and the bf...are kind of..no more? Well we are still goinng out..just i'm trying to again...ween myself off...if you like? I know now. If i ever want to destroy this depression..he has to go. END OF. If i ever want to be happy again..i can't be with him...I know this...but i'm just not ready to face it yet. So i've sort of put us on a break? =/ 

The straw which broke the camels back, was a couple of days ago....when  he started giving me tons of abuse over  facebook. Just because i didn't go to his dad's wedding. I acted as though i didn't care, when he was throwing it all at me...which just made the situation worse!...So he rang me!...and then shouted down the phone at me instead!

I again ignored him...and then put the phone down. Only to discover that a day later he calls me bak, saying "I'm sorry!!! i love you, i miss you, don't ever leave me, i will have no reaon to live".

HEADFUCK????

I cannot bare guys crying...which he was!...So i sort of gave in to it..i didn't break up with him..instead just told him to leave me alone...for now.

I just need to find the strength to break up with him. I know this.

Which leads me onto S.

He drove up to mine a few days ago :) a 4 hour drive there and back!! :')
We spent 12 beautiful long hours together, just snuggling up, watching films. We spoke a lot about us. He showered me with compliments and sweet kisses on the cheek and forehead :)

He made me feel happy.

You know the REALLLYYY!!! cute thing??

He has a fetish for HIP BONES!!! He loves them!

He kept running his hands up and down mine for ages...a little weird...but cute, right?

Kinda bad if i want to get back on track though...because once i do, those hip bones with fade away again... 

FUCK. 

Things with S have progressed since then though...he is supposed to come up this Friday too. But i'm not sure..as he had to go to hospital today! :(
There is still a voice in my head telling me this isn't real...thats why he ignores my texts sometimes...why he doesn't answer them for hours after...He isn't really working all this time..he is with other girls...ETC..ETC.
It's so hard sometimes to ignore them thoughts...=/
I'm so scared to let my guards down. To let him into my life fully...I'm so scare that the only reason he is like this is because he loves the chase...and as soon as i finish with my BF he will say goodbye...Fuck off forever and move on.

We have even discussed new years! He said he will pick me up and take me to his, to meet his family and spend it with them...but i'm just so scared...

Apart of me doesn't want to let him in. 

3: My head. 

My head lately has been a maze of self harm, binge eating, self loathing and much more. I still can't get therapy until February. I'm trying to fix myself the best i can until then....but i'm failing hard. I haven't cut in a good week or so. I've been trying to eat more..as you know, i've been trying to go back to college, make new friends, be more...sociable?  

IT'S JUST SO HARD!!!!
I'm fighting a losing battle. I can't do this on my own. 

I need that therapy and fast.

If i don't all the above means NOTHING. Because i know i will slip back into my old ways of not eating again. Because i simply miss feeling hungry, the thought of success! The thought of losing weight. I miss it all!!! NOTHING motivates me anymore.

I find myself since i've been eating again, just sitting there in a daze, staring at myself in the mirror. Feeling fat.

FAT. FAT. FAT!!!!

But i know i can't go there again..i can't.

I'm slowly winning the battle against my eating. I'm just scared i'm going to slip and fall. 

Love to you all

Astra x 

P.S: I think i've caught upon all your blogs now...not sure :( I'm sorry.