You are all so beautiful, and i'm sorry i have to be so depressive...
Can i just say, a special thank you to The boniest bunny and xxslowlyfadingxx ( I wont put your real names incase you do not want them known) Thankyou for listening to me on MSN<3
So..onto the post...
I'm tired. i'm tired of feeling like this. I can't get therapy until February..because i'm on the NHS waiting list. I CAN'T WAIT THAT LONG!!!
I'm fading fast..i can feel it. I'm eating like a MONSTER. My thoughts and emotions are everywhere when i'm alone. I'm BINGING all the fucking time!!!
I've lost control of myself. I don't know what to do... I'm falling hard for another guy...because my so called BF is treating me like scum!!! But i can't break up with him yet because I'M TOO WEAK. I will fall apart without him...That makes no sense does it? I know it doesn't. He treats me like scum...but i can't let go yet because i will fall apart?
S ( The new guy is supposed to be coming up Friday) ...This causes a new dilemma. The BF's dad's wedding is on the Saturday...which means if i want to go..i can't see S. And S is the only thing keeping me going right now...if i can't see him...well...i don't know? I DO NOT want to go to the Bf's dads wedding either though...It would be a complete lie. I'd be lying to everyone..pretending i want to be there when i don't. PLUS. I'm supposed to be getting home on my own..in a taxi? When it's dark. ON MY OWN. When the BF knows that this will set off my anxiety..and i'll probably have a panic attack in the taxi. Not that i can afford one anyway. So how am i supposed to get home? Who knows. He doesn't care.
HE DOESN'T CARE. HE DOESN'T CARE. HE DOESN'T CARE!!!
So why should i?
He doesn't care i'm cutting. He doesn't care i'm not eating. He doesn't care how i get home. He doesn't care if i commit suicide.
2 years of relationship. Gone.
He expects ME to do everything. ME to improve. ME to pay money everytime so i can get up to his. I CAN'T. And when i can't, he argue with me about how i'm not trying hard enough..how i can't love him if this is the way i treat him. He gets aggressive when i tell him that i cut. Doesn't he understand why?
It's plainly obvious to me now.
HE DOESN'T LOVE ME ANYMORE.
Not much anyway...
BUT I CAN'T LET GO. NOT YET.
I just need to see S...he makes me feel BEAUTIFUL, ALIVE!!! All my depressive thoughts go away...i feel light and free.
I told him about my dad..he understood. Only trouble is..he lives so far away from me..about a 2 hour drive!! That i had to tell him over MSN. Not the easiest thing to do... but at least he knows now...he has a little incite into my fucked up world. And it didn't scare him away...
I miss my father so much. I think about him everyday. I dream about him. I love him so much. And NO ODY will EVER replace him. He didn't deserve to die. He needed help..and no fucker listened.
I told S that this makes me determined to be with him. Because my dad always used to say
" Fuck everyone else, as long as you are happy, because you are the most important person".
My current BF doesn't make me happy. He puts me down. Makes me feel worthless. Suicidal even. Ugly. My dad never liked him either...he saw right through him. I didn't listen.
I'm sorry daddy. I love you.
But you know the fucked up thing? Theres still a little voice in my head..telling me S is using me. He wont turn up on Friday, because he doesn't really care. Your too ugly for him! Too fat. He is gorgeous, he could have any girl he desires..why stick with you?
I'm trying to ignore that voice.
I'm also trying to get my eating under control again. I'm a BINGE MONSTER!
I see food, and i eat it!!!
It makes me so angry!!! It's been over a week now, and i still cannot control myself.I want/need to be thinner. I'm currently, 91lbs. Thing is...S keeps saying how thin i am...i get the feeling he doesn't like it. Which makes me eat more....I eat to make him happy. But in turn..is destroying me inside.
It's either make him happy and eat? OR Make me happy and starve...but put S off?
What do i do????
I devoured half a meat feast pizza tonight. NOT HAPPY.
And then we move onto college.
I'm failing. I'm falling so, so behind it's unreal.
I cannot concentrate, all i think is, FOOD, CUTTING or ..yeah thats about it. =/
I'm trying, i really am. I don't want to fuck this up.
I'm sorry this has been such a depressing post.
Theres still so much more i could say....but i think i'll leave it here for now.
I love you all so much
Astra x
You're not weak for staying with him, and it DOES make sense. It's hard to let go of a relationship, even a crappy one.
ReplyDeleteHe's sending you home in a taxi?! Tell him you're sick or something.
S sounds pretty awesome. 2 hours is far, but I think it could work. One of the longest and most functional relationships I ever had was with someone who lived 2 hours away. It's not too far, really. Not like the other side of the country or something like that...
Sorry I'm rambling. Sick + twice the recommended dose of cold meds = weirdness. o.O
Tell the voice to go feck itself.
Never apologize for writing down what you're feeling. That's what blogs are for!! Hope you feel better. :-* If you need someone to chat/vent to, you can always email me: bellatrixburrows@hotmail.com
I get emails on my phone, so I reply pretty quickly.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Hon, make up an excuse, tell him you´re sick or something like that.
ReplyDeleteIt makes perfect sense what you say, letting go is so hard but trust me you´ll be better off without him, you know it too.
I´m a binge monster myself, eating everything there is and then buying more food...at least you´re 91lbs...
We all have that voice, tell it to fuck off! You ARE beautiful and you deserve the best.
I love talking to you on MSN, you are just lovely =)
xx
hey girl you just need to think about the good things! They are out there. You may not see it now but it's there. I know I was in your position a while back... What times are you on msn usually? I am in the states so thats a 5 hour time difference but let me know. i have been there.
ReplyDeletewe are here to help each other!
<3
You need to break up with your boyfriend. You need to. Read back over your post - you KNOW you need to break up with him.
ReplyDeleteI understand completely that you feel too weak to get out of the relationship, but please, please believe me when I say that you can do it. And you will feel a million times better once he's out of your life, no matter how hard it might be to begin with.
Take support from the people here who have so much love for you.
HUGS xxxx
hi sweetie ...stop listening to that voice! you are beautiful and thin and smart and kind. your boyfriend doesn't deserve you. and your dad was so right, so please keep remembering his words. i hope S is good...but at the very least, he is someone who listens to you and holds you when you're scared. you know what to do babe! stay strong!
ReplyDelete