I'm Back...Again!

Hello my dear beauties,

I haven't blogged in a while because quite honestly, nothing has changed, i'm still living everyday in complete and utter misery. i still feel suicidal from time to time, i still hear things,i still hate myself, i sstill think i'm the ugliest thing in the entire world, i still hate my body, i still just as depressed as before.

I had a complete break down on S's birthday...we went out for a meal with his family...i started to feel panicy all of a sudden( I know wy, because i thought S had looked down my phone and seen the txts from B and taken them the wrong way)..all through the meal i thought people were laughing at me, staring at me. This lasted for an hour...until S drove back to his, and i suddenly felt like the whole world was going to fall on me, i burst out crying, sobbing in his car...hyperventilating. And you know what  he did? Ignored me. Because he couldn't handle me. When we got back to his, i just ran upstairs to his room and sobbed. I had left my pills in his room and just kept staring at them, as though in a trance, contemplating taking them and running out the house to die. Fortunately S came in his room before i had the chance..and we argued like hell. I just kept screaming at him to take notice, to cuddle me and comfort me...and his excuse was " He couldn't handle me like this"...and then i ended up bringing the cheating thing back up...then we argued some more...screaming at eachother....i told him i still feel the pain, the anger, the heart ache that he caused. He told me to hit him..but i didn't...i couldn't bring myself too. We ended the argument and ended up hugging on the bed...when he started crying. It turned out ok in the end..once everything was out. Didn't help i was still in a suicidal mood ad kept going on about how life is shit and how we should just go away some where, where no one could find us. And went on about how no body cares about us and shit...i think i scared him with my insane ramblings.

I still don't see my future...this bi-polar shitty depressed thing has dragged on for so so long now...i feel it's never going to end. I can't see the light at the end of my tunnel. I mean, i'm still feeling suicidal, i still contemplate overdosing. Thats not normal is it?

In other news...i'm seeing my friends more..or at least trying...i feel like i'm getting left behind...everyone is either moving out, having babies, or getting a job. And i'm not doing any of those things. I'm stuck in a child like state of mind. Living at home. I'm beginning to like going out with my friends now a little rather than it feeling like a chore to even step out of the house.

I'm also trying to be good with my money, saved £360 so far..i dunno what that is in dollars, sorry. So at least i am saving for some sort of future.

I hope you are all well, i love you guys so much

Astra x