I Don't Know How I'm Still Alive...I Really Don't.

So...here i am again.

The cunt got to me again...i ended up punching my walls so hard my fists bled and puffed up so bad with bruising. Thats what you get for punching walls full pelt.

Basically...she posted on her blog ( Which yes, i stalk because i'm paranoid) how i'm a stupid slut, how S cares more for her than me, how he slagged me off to her and how i'm a terrible gf. And how HE LOVED FUCKING HER.

Fucking CUNT.

She posted all that for me to see!!!!!

All about me and him. About him loving fucking her???? And how she could probably do it again.

WTF.

So me and S ended up in an argument about it and he blamed me for looking on her blog. So i made up a little story....i told him the police came round and got a written statement off me and i out in a formal complaint. But i didn't...it was just to shake him up a bit....

In reality i just messaged her saying if she does this again i WILL involve the police. It's harassment.

But why must she keep dragging it up? It's been 2 months now LET IT DROP. She's fucking obsessed. I swear! 

She is trying to break me and S up because we are ignoring her and her stupid childish ways. But it wont work. IT WONT. I'll make it not work.

It's put me in the worst depressive state i have been in a while...not my normal depressed state...but a state where i feel completely numb and emotionless and lost and scared and alone. Completely alone.

This will never end.

I told the doctor today i feel in a never ending cycle. I want this to end! I want it to be like a physical illness, wher they can give you a time limit where the pain will end...but there is no time limit on this...it just keeps dragging on and on.....

They have diagnosed me with Dysthymia disorder too...because the depression has dragged on so long. The numbness that i feel is that apparently, on top of my other depression.

The upped my pills AGAIN. Because i had another "episode",i hallucinated in my bedroom and saw things in my room...like shadows of people and shit...

So thats been my day...another day in misery.

Id rather be dead than this.
Then i wouldn't have to put up with this draining misery.
Suicidal thoughts returning....

Astra x