Dear beauties,
I'm still the same ol' fucked up girl as i've always been.
Nothing will change.
I can't see a bright happy future right now.
I can only see darkness and pain, that will never end. This has been going on for so long and it doesn't seem to have an end.
I'm trying so hard to think positive about things, about my life..but i can't because deep down all i feel is pain. On the surface it's easy to fake it, fake being strong, fake being happy, fake being tough, fake like nothing bothers me, but scratch that surface away and i'm a fucked up neurotic insecure paranoid depressed mess.
I learnt not to lean on anyone this week, because no matter how good things get, its only temporary. Nothing good lasts.
I've leaned on S far too much...and yet again he has let me down, let me fall into a pit of depression. I feel like he doesn't care right now because he isn't bothered when his next going to see me, he is ignoring my texts....whats the point? I thought things were going too well. I shouldn't of made myself believe that this could last.
I can't base my existence around him. But i am, and i can't help it because quite honestly, he is the only thing on this planet that is keeping me alive. Without him, if i lost him i would simply go on self destruct mode and i would commit suicide, because i lean on him far too much, because when he is away, the depression takes hold. I know that sounds pathetic, so id kill myself because i wouldn't have him etc...but its true...he is the only thing keeping me going. And when he's like this i can't bare it.
I thought i could see a glimmer of hope at the end of my dark tunnel, and now it's gone again. This is why i feel i'm getting no where fast, because even the tiniest thing can set me back for days. It's stupid.
I feel un-loved and un-wanted.
I'm always there for him...why can't he be there for me?
Maybe this is just another blip in the relationship...but now it's just made the depression take hold again. I can't stop it. I'm so fucking messed up.
I'm sorry you're feeling like this hun... We always think we're gonna be so happy when we're as thin as you are... but honestly, the lack of food just makes us depressed, then when we eat, we feel guilty and we're even more depressed and also disgusted with ourselves. We're trapped in this vicious circle and it sucks...
ReplyDeleteThe only way you will feel happy, without someone else being your whole world, is to learn to love yourself... I know how that sounds, believe me... I've never loved myself and don't know that I ever will =/ and that's pretty sad, really :s
If you ever need to talk, I'm here.. k? xx
I hate that your feeling so low, and I understand feeling like theres no where to go and no one to lean on. My doctor has often thrown the word depression around and stuck me on prozac as if it would solve all my problems.
ReplyDeleteBut if you need someone to lean on that what this community is here for. If you ever want to talk feel free to email me, just drop me a line on my blog and I'll send you the email address, or you can give me yours.
I hope you feel better <3
Love <3
ReplyDeleteDon't do anything bad to yourself! Please, nthing is worth it. I've lost one person who was very close to me because of suicide (ironic that nobody has known what was in his head...) and this was the worst thing ever happened.
ReplyDeletelife is what you make it
ReplyDeleteyou may find it hard to find the positives or just refuse to look at them but they ARE there
1. your beautiful
2. your young
3.your talented in your career choice
4. you have a beautiful mind-you describe things and feel things that some people dont use this as a positive so what if im paranoid i can write a song/poem/blog entry draw about it
5. despite what u think u are strong uve been thru so much and your still here despite the arseholes and despite the ODs your here and that speaks volumes
i could go on to 100 but i wont be that cheeky
if i could give u my eyes i would and give u the strength to say to S do u no what i love u so much but "i cant keep myself and still keep you too" the love we have is one made like cobain and lord maybe tracy or love maybe a combo its just too toxic too destructive to make my life productive
ive always meant wat i say u no that?
xx
I stumbled across your web site and feel compelled to comment. You are very perceptive and your writing resonates. Remember that all things are temporary and that ultimatly we are what we choose to be. You have the power to choose and shouldn't be hard on yourself if you sometimes choose un-wisely. Embrace the dichotomy of life. Stick around ... there is beauty in the world amongst the blackness.
ReplyDeleteI hope you are okay.. truly..
ReplyDeleteI just wanted to come back and check on you, no new posts in a while =/
I was exactly where you are at your age.. Lonely, scared, thinking I would be stuck in my current situation forever, a cheating boyfriend who wasn't there for me.. I'm from the U.K, now I'm living in Canada as a permanent resident, I'm married and have a beautiful baby boy, who recently turned one... things aren't always peachy keen by *any* means, as you can probably see from my blog.. but they're better than they were then. And hell, I even weigh more than I did then, considerably so (that needs to change), but I'm still happier. Keep strong, keep hoping, keep trying. I was in the same benefit situation, but finally I just upped and moved, I stayed on them until they cut me off though, I didn't tell them I moved. I was terrified of coming off benefits, but things work out in the end.. I'm here if you ever want to talk x
Hey girl just checking in. Haven't seen anything new for awhile so I just wanted to make sure you are okay. Hope to hear from you soon. I know I don't comment much but I do check your blog often. Hope that didn't sound creepy lol.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you've slipped into the darkness again. <3 I know how debilitating depression can be, and I hope you can heal someday.
ReplyDeletexoxo