I'm Not Dead!

Hello lovelies,

i'm not dead!...just my life hasn't been interesting as late....

Same ol' crap!

My pills have been upped now, now taking 100mg of my bi-polar pills, then it's gna be upped to 150mg later in the month...i am literally a walking zombie!

I have no energy at all!

Stuff with S has been sorted...i think.

My mum allowed him in the house and had a MASSIVE go at him!!

I think he learnt his lesson...except....

She is still tweeting about him. He told me it's not about him...but i know full well it is.

I still have trust issues.

I still dunno if his lying to me about talking to her....

Plus B wont talk to me now...because basically, a few weeks ago, i thought S was talking to that  whore behind my back as she was tweeting about him and shit...and i found this out while with B...so i said, "I'm breaking up with him"! ...which gave B false hope....but then i found out that in fact he wasn't talking to her..so i kinda took back everything i said, and stayed with S...so in turn..really hurt B...bleh. I just want a simple life.

The bi-polar has been playing havock with my brain...it wont leave me alone...one minute i'm ok, and happy, and cheery, next, i'm on the floor depressed as fuck cutting. Yes...i broke my cycle of not cutting and did it last week...i felt awful about it...more scars to cover up. S wasn't impressed and kept grabbing my arm and looking at the damage...his been trying hard lately to make it up to me, talking about moving in together when i'm better, having a family, getting engaged...it feels nice....i just wish i could trust him.

Of course i want to be happy..i want a family, i want to move out...but i can't because of my fucking mental brain. I'm so worried...i'm 20 years old, i've never had a job because of this, i have stupid scars all up my arm, i can never have a baby for as long as i'm on these pills, and even when i do eventually come off them, what effect will it have on the baby? The pills could have damaged my body for life!, and god knows how long i'll be on them for!! I can't move out, because of the benefits i'm on, if i move out, they'll be on my back constantly! And expect me to get a job...i can't move forward at all...and i don't know how long for. I'm stuck, until god knows when.

I want to move forward...but i simply can't. Because i'm not allowed. I'm so scared when i think about the future ( when i can see one).

All my life consists of now is, waking up at 2pm, watching TV, eating and then sleeping again...i'm damn sick of it!!

Astra x