Update:FAIL

 

 

 

Dear lovelies,

 

 

I should really blog more often...then i wouldn't have to write tons and tons to catch you all up on my pathetic life.

So...i failed...a few days ago i cut...i got myself in a fit of rage and upset about my "future" about how shit its going to be..about how i can't see anything clearly..about how i can't see anything working out for me...so i sat on my bed and sobbed, stared at my arm for a while, imagined doing it...and then it eventually took over and i grabbed for the razor...

To see the blood once more, dripping off my skin...it brang me some solace...some peace, you know?

Until about half hour after...i felt stupid and weak. I regretted it, big time.

But i only done it out of desperation...to stop my head spinning, to stop the angry, aggressive thoughts...to stop the inner pain.

The last couple of weeks have just been hell..its like 2 steps forward, 3 steps back.

I'm left feeling utterly disgusting and depressive again.

"I hate myself and i want to die" is what i wrote on one of my blood stained tissues that night.

What is wrong with me?

It was either pills or the blade...i chose the blade...but neither of those options are healthy...

 

Christmas is coming up..incase you didn't know...

I'm not even the least bit excited?

I just feel empty.

Buying presents doesn't bring me joy, looking at christmas stuff doesn't make me smile...i'm just an empty shell again...wondering about the town looking for stuff for people they'll probably only use once then stuff in in a closet never to be seen again.

Shit. I am so damn miserable. It shouldn't be like this...i'm only 20. I should be enjoying every minute i can...i'm more like a hermit.

I'm not looking forward to the day...fake a smile, fake a laugh, stuff your face..then feel fat.

My mum and me have sort of come to a decision about it, we might just stay home and have it together instead of going all the way to my grandparents..where everyone is oh so...FAKE. I love that word.

It does sound shitty right? Home for Christmas? But we've done it before...it is cheery and happy. And we'll go see the family probably before it arrives anyway?

I have got an early present from her though, it is.........an abs toning belt! Time to tone this belly!

It's like the lazy girls workout...you simply strap it round yourself, and it sends electric signals to your nerves, causing your ab muscles to tense..basically a sit up...without doing the hard work. 20 minutes is equivelent to 120 sit ups! Plus there are workout levels on it...beginner, intermidiate and expert...it goes up to an intensity level of 99...i'm already on 51, which is already like a very intense stomach contraction! The higher you go the quicker you'll see results! It says it takes about 1 month to see a change if used 5 times a week...but fuck it. I'm using it everyday if possible! I'm impatient. Long as my stomach doesn't kill me for it! I don't want to wake up unable to move!

So hopefully...by Christmas i'll notice a difference! No more podge!

I'm hopefully if possible going to take it to S's tomorrow...because i am staying at his til Friday...and i don't want to go 5 days without using it.

I'm getting the train on my own tomorrow...not all the way to his, he's meeting me half way. But it is a start to conquering my fear though, right? Baby steps.

It will be an hours worth of train ride on my own, which is good for a start...i think. All in all it takes about 2 hours from mine to his...so...i'm doing half the time on my own? Just not half the stations...I can't conquer them all on my own...just yet.

I'm gonna get there early, so i wont panic...which means getting up at...8am..time for shower, packing and getting my nerves under control.

Wish me luck...i better go to bed because its...1.15am...i'll never be up at this rate.

 And here's fucking hoping S doesn't notice the marks on my arm....this is going to need a ton of foundation to cover...

 

Love you all,

 

Astra x