Stuck In A Rut.



So...i went to see my psychiatrist today at long last!!

I almost didn't make it, traffic was awful on the bus! And in the end i ended up an hour late!

But...i saw him anyway..had a catch up on things, he thinks i've improved a bit since i last saw him.

Obviously he knew about me going on the max dosage a while back, but having to stop because i was having bad side effects...so he suggested instead...as he thinks i'm "stuck" that i should go on another anti depressant, on top of my other pills.

These ones will apparently help me sleep and reduce my anxiety.

But i dunno what to do....i'll have a think on it i guess?

I had everything i wanted to say, all planned out in my head, i had so many questions and things to say, then as soon as i entered the room my whole mind went blank and i forgot everything...so it kinda feels a waste of time going...

I just don't want this kind of life anymore. I feel a failure..i have never had a job, live at home and just...exist? I have no purpose right now.

If i died, i wouldn't be missed, in the sense that i give nothing to society, i'm on benefits, so all i do is take. But...everyone is saying i'm not ready to jump into work, because it could set me back again, if i couldn't cope.

It's like my mum said the other day while discussing it, this illness is not stable, it changes from one day to the next, one day i could be fine to work, and the next i might be suicidal...so i wouldn't be reliable enough...

I just dunno...i hate this.

 

Astra x