I Don't Know If I Want Suicide Or Not...

Now i'm stuck again...

I don't know what i want.

Suicide? No one should say this unless they mean it. It's not something to be taken lightly. It's death.

And in the past i have meant it, hence the OD's.

And it's entered my head again...but...i thought long and hard. Do i really have the guts to die? Because once i'm gone, i'm gone. No turning back.

Part of me is too scared...the other..can't take this anymore, how many times have i said that? ha.

I feel totally on my own.

No matter how many people i surround myself with, there is some kind of invisible wall up, blocking everyone out.

"Because nothing sucks worse than feeling alone, no matter how many people are around."

I can't take this feeling anymore.

I'm so angry all the time.

S keeps insinuating that i'm being "needy"

All because i say i need to see him....

Then goes off and insinuates that i'm not loving enough...

I CAN'T FUCKING WIN.

Then goes off in moody childish strops all because i was blunt with him, because quite frankly, i've had enough.
I get the feeling off of hi, that he's sick of me being like this, and if i don't "snap out of it" as to say, he'll leave me.

Sometimes, i just wish i wasn't ever in this situation.

I'm too nice. Way too fucking nice.

I treat people as if they're royalty...like, they are my meaning for life.

And i get nothing in return!!!

I watch every word i say, i make sure my actions wont hurt anybody else, i tip toe around everybody!

I'm bored of being nice.

Why is it the more genuine, nice and giving you are, the more of a prick the people on the other end act?

Oh yeah...and what doesn't help my mood either is that that cunt has moved her blog again, to another URL, so i can't find it.

Now i'm on the edge of my seat, biting my finger nails wondering what the fuck she is writing about me and S.

I've tried everything to try and find it, searching all through google, through twitter, through facebook, even creating fake accounts to track it down....NOTHING.

I'm getting obsessed.

I'm letting this rule my life.

Absoulutly NOTHING is going right.

I'm losing my grip on reality.

I have nobody anymore.

Everyone ran away, everyone is ok again....

While i'm still stuck in this cycle of self destruction.

I feel too old for this now? I feel pathetic.

I'm 20 for fucks sake.

Surely i should be ok? Surely i should just "get on with it"?

But no. It wont go away. It's still ruling my life.

Part of me wants to die before i hit 21. I truely do.

I'm still re-reading my Nancy Spungen book.

Just for the fact i can relate to her so much..apart from the drugs and shit.

She died before she hit 21, stabbed..either by herself or in a suicide pact with her Boyfriend Sid Vicious.

She lived her life through schizophrenia and depression, i know i'm not schizopherinic...but i can relate to the most part.

Read her book. It's amazing.

Bottom line is....i don't know what to do.

If i had a gun, it would be easy. Id do it for sure. But OD...it's a slow painful death. I don't know if i could handle that alone...but who would stand by and be with me while i died? No one is the answer. I wouldn't want to put someone through that anyway.

i just...don't know what to do...

Astra x