I Can't Shake This Feeling.

Today has been one of the worst days on record for me.

I'm sat here at 3am, writing this because i need to get this off my chest.

I spent the ENTIRE day in bed, because i physically couldn't get up.

I was simply too depressed.

Thoughts were flying through my mind, suicidal ones.

And it all started because me and S ended up having a huge argument all because i wouldn't answer the phone to him...long story short...

The other day, i was feeling very depressed..as per...

So he said he would call me, but i said no, i want to be alone...so 7 missed calls later, he texts me going..oh whatever.

And i'm like, what?

Then starts throwing abuse at me, swearing at me, because i make him feel like shit because i wouldn't answer my phone?

After i explained why.

So then today....he completly ignores my texts, til about 7pm, saying ohh i'm busy talk to you later.

By that point i am seriously considering walking out my house and fucking never coming back. I was feeling shit anyway...but then to hear my own bf who is supposed to love me, doesn't care?

And then when he does text me back eventually, he starts on me AGAIN. Over literally NOTHING.

So then, i gather up the strength to ask him " do you love and want to be with me?"

He replies with, "well have you found someone better then, its up to you what you wanna do"

So then i obviously start bursting out crying.

I asked him did he even care...he came back with

"Not right now, no"

He basically came to the conclusion, I need to change. ME.

Going on about how i take him for granted, and how i treat him like shit...blah blah blah.

Then suddenly stops the conversation with "i'm going to bed, i have work"

So now......

i have no idea what is going on.

And like i said before, S is the only one keeping me going. If i don't have him, i have nothing. And if i have nothing...well....whats the point?

I ended up playing around with a knife on the sofa, it was too blunt to do anything more than surface wounds.

I can't sleep. I can't eat. I can't function.

I'm back to feeling suicidal.

And i know this all may sound pathetic...but you have no idea how much i love this boy. My whole life revolves around him.

Literally anything these days can bring back old thoughts of ..you know what...just because i feel so stressed and tense and angry and shit.

I just can't cope with ANYTHING.

I know i make him sound like a complete asshole...but maybe some of this is my fault?..

Truth of the matter is.

If we break up. I'm gone.

I can't do this alone.

He is my life.

I refuse to go on without him.