OK, first thing is first, this stupid thing is telling me i'm not following any blogs now? So comment below please so i can re-follow if needs be.
How many times have i started off a post with "I'm scared"?....Well, it's happening again, because well, i'm scared.
My anxiety is out of control. Paranoia is dancing along to the tune too. Pills make me sick. So i'm alone.
New therapy starts next month, but will it really help, or just be another waste of my time?
I feel a mess. Acne is running wild all over, which doesn't help the self esteem. I just feel.....unworthy? Not good enough for anyone. Incredibly self concious, silently screaming. No one on this earth knows how bad i feel right now, because i choose to hide it, best i can. B knows bits...but id rather not delve into details of how i'm a paranoid freak. I've already told him in the past, but rather not remind him.
I self harmed, superficially, he saw...he said nothing, just gave that vacant stare at the cuts, as to say.....why?
I said nothing of course, and started babbling on about something to steer the conversation, if there was going to be one, about why on earth am i doing this again?
I need to be perfect for him. Unconditionally perfect.
I wont allow my troubled, diseased mind to ruin this.
I want to...need to be everything he desires.
I need to be everything i desire.
I can't go on like this...my mind is creating negativity where there is none. I know that...but i still can't help but believe it. That there's something wrong that i'm simply not seeing.
I mean, why, oh why, would anyone want me?
Of corse he would want you, because you are kind, beautiful, and though you are struggling right now, if he loves you he will stick by you. I know how it is when you can't control your mind and the thoughts that intrude. It is so frustrating. I am here if you ever want to talk, and I will help in any way I can. You are a beautiful human being. <3
ReplyDeleteIt should fix itself after refreshing a few times. It's a pain, but it happens to me all the time.
ReplyDeleteI really hope the new therapy helps you hun. You've been struggling for so long, it's not fair.
B must want you, or else he wouldn't be with you. I'm sorry you don't feel able to be open with him. I had similar issues with my last relationship, I needed to be perfect for him, and he responded to all my issues with a vacant stare and a "why?".
It's good to see an update from you. Take care <3
xx
omg girl, I missed you <3 I'm so glad to hear from you again. seriously. this is like, the best way to start my day. you and I both know that you're an amazing person. and you and I also know that perfection is the most mesmerizing, dangerous pipe dream out there. try to stay positive, friend. and if you need a boost, I'm here for you.
ReplyDeletelots and lots of love, girl xx you're fabulous. don't let anything make you feel otherwise.
http://allthosewordsiwroteanderased.blogspot.com/
ReplyDeletexxxx