Going Round In Circles

Hello darlings,

So my birthday went so so lovely

My grandparents came up to give me my presents ( 2 wolf statues) as they are my favourite animal and some money, then S came up and met them, which was nice.

We went out for dinner on him. And he bought me a guinea pig, which is now called Nancy :) After Sid and Nancy :)

She's a punk guinea pig haha. She's the cutest thing ever, very nervous though..but then again she is only 6 weeks old.

And then we just snuggled and watched films.

It was lovely, and things were finally going well, and i was happy.

And within a day, things have been wrecked. And i'm sat here contemplating another OD.

Something has to give.

I can't be bothered to go into it...but basically i can't see S for a very long time now, as he has no way of getting up to me. After things were going smoothly, and we were finally seeing eachother on a regular basis. It has all gone tits up. I'm gna be alone forever.

Now his off into a depressive mode. He kept talking to me about suicide. ME?! Why me?? I can't take it....I can't take talking about suicide.
Whatever i tell him at the moment is wrong, nothing i say is right...i can't communicate with him when his like this..

His going to the doctors tomorrow because he thinks he has depression too. I hope he doesn't...i wouldn't wish this on anyone....well, with some exceptions.

So now i have to be alone for months and months.

I cba with life all over again..i feel suicidal myself. I haven't felt this way in ages...but the slightest thing to ruin my happiness and i'm back to square one. So really..i haven't progressed at all.

I just want to feel numb. It's either OD or cut. Fuck everything.

I'm in such a horrible mood, i can't even cry because there is nothing left.

So basically, i'm flat broke, no bf to lean on, ugly, fat and alone.

All i have is my guinea pig...how sad is that.

I can't stand this pain much more. Not again, when things were finally looking up. I knew this happiness wouldn't last.

Astra x