Oh Look, It's The Girl With The Fake Smile...

Hello beautiful girls,

First off, thankyou for all your wonderful comments in my last post. It all helped, your ALL amazing people.

Sorry i have been a bit quiet recently, i just feel i haven't had anything worth saying, or anything interesting anyway :(

My last post was very depressing....and i ended up ( in a moment of complete mental agony) telling my mum that i wanted to die, and i could feel death creeping up on me, slowly killing me from the inside. Don't ask me why i told her...because i now know it was a BIG mistake.

She just kept saying how i was scaring her, because i had no emotion in my face when i told her i WANTED to die, and that i would embrace it. She kept saying that i needed more help and stuff, and that if i die, she will too.

But it's all true.

I can feel myself actually DYING. I'm not sure how to explain it.

It's like an outside feeling, that something is telling me my time is going to be over soon, and i can actually feel it. I feel like my insides are slowly shutting down, preparing my body for death...it sounds creepy...but it's true, my mind is starting to actually give up on life, i feel sometimes, i'm totally zoning out of everything.

Death, to me, is a comfort, an escape, a way out of this hell.

Like some kind of terrifying security blanket.

I haven't eaten a lot since i last posted,  and i can now see my ribs properly without having to suck in. So i must be losing. I actually have no coping skills though, every little tiny thing that goes wrong, i freak out. Have a panic attack or go off on an enormous mental rage of self hate. I was meant to pick up my next box of pills today..but didn't, right now i just don't see the point.

I'm seeing C tomorrow...maybe he will cheer me up....because i now know, for sure, after another long convo over txt with S...i NEED to forget him.

Astra x

P.S: I might post pictures of myself soon, what do you think?