This Will Never Work

Evening lovelies,

Well, i went to stay with S in the end....and had sex....i know!!! I shouldn't have, but the moment got hold of me and it happened...we had a wonderful first day together, had a drive, went back to his and snuggled up in front of the TV..kissed...and then it just progressed...it was AMAZING. To be touched, wanted, loved even. He just made my heart pump  so fast! It was so intense, wonderful. And damn...my thighs were aching afterwards! ;) 

I can't deny it any longer..i still love him.

I tried my hardest not to develop my feelings anymore...but i couldn't help it..whilst we were lying in bed, he told me he still loved me...and just for an hour..i forgot all my problems, forgot the tensions between us and just embraced it, and him.

He told me i was beautiful, sexy, gorgeous.

But i can't let myself get so involved again, can i? When i know deep down that we can't be together right now..or..maybe even for a while. My paranoia is still there "who's he txting? Has he got pictures of other girls on his computer? Is he seeing someone else?" It's all still there. I still can't trust him. But yet, he still means everything to me. And now we aren't together again, now i'm back home...i'm craving his touch all over again. It's all out of control again. I let my feelings take hold.

I don't even know when i can see him again because i have so many fucking counselling appointmnts to go to which i specifically told the doctor i didn't want! And hospital appointments....Plus i have to pick up a new medical cetificate soon, so i can still get my benefit money....I have to see him again. 

God, why have i let this happen again?

And i have a counselling appointment tomorrow morning....

I don't want to go..i don't ant to talk about my feelings, how i feel like dying, how cutting makes me feel better...i don't want it! It makes me feel 100x worse! Why can't they understand that?

I feel so empty again. Lost and alone.

My friend invited me out tomorrow too...to pizza hut. JOY. Means eating a ton of food.....what do i do? I can't stand putting on this fake smile anymore, pretending everything is OK, pretending i'm happy.

I CAN'T DO IT!!

All i want is to curl up in a ball and fall asleep. Forever. Or at least now...be with S.

And you know the other thing??? I was doing so well with calories today. Until i caved and ate a fucking pizza. Well over 1000 calories today. Blehhh.

Astra x