Hello beautiful ladies,
Can i just say, before i start, THANKYOU. To each and everyone of you...i would list names, but it would take a while! So to all of you..thankyou for all your support. It really does mean so so much x
Another day without cutting! It's a miracle i tell you! I am so suprised at myself i have managed nearly a week without cutting. It sounds pathetic...doesn't it?
And one more day of eating less than 1000 calories!
SUCCESS!?
So, i guess the title of this post rings true, to me anyway, trust no one. Because in real life, you can't. Not anybody, but yourself...and even then, sometimes it is hard to trust your own instincts. A couple of days ago, i told friend about the situation with C and S. And vowed her never to tell a word to anybody, because it would simply ruin my life if it came out. And guess what?? I get a text from C today demanding to know what was going on!!!!!!!! So i acted as if i hadn't a clue what he was on about, and how my friend must of got the wrong end of the stick...luckily it worked, and he believed me. But my god!!!! The one person who i thought i could trust...i can't.
So from now on, i tell nobody ANYTHING!!! (Apart from on here)
I'm trying to re-build my social life and friendships again...starting off texting a whole bunch of people...it's hard work trying to re-build things when you just want to die. And be invisible. I'm just thinking...i'm such a loner...i used to be popular! Used to get invited everywhere to everything...now i'm all alone. I didn't realise i had such fake friends. It's my birthday in a few months...i don't want to be alone for it....I just can't be bothered to try at the moment...i'm texting my "friends"...but just making excuses not to meet up...simply because i don't want to...nobody knows anything about my mental state or eating habits and feelings..because like i said before...i trust no one. ( Apart from 1 friend who knows about all this) How sad is that?
I feel like i just want to run away, from everyone, including myself, and start fresh, somewhere new and exciting. Or just give up completely. Not much of a choice is there? I actually have no life anymore. I'm flitting between 2 guys, neither of which i'm even sure i love anymore...and i've lost all my friends....i can't trust anybody, and my mental state is just gaga at the moment. I feel like i've lost EVERYTHING, and i'm simply a shadow of who i used to be. I look like a child, because of my body, and the way it's just stopped growing, but i can't eat....because i don't want to...i have scars all the way up my arm, and i look a mess. I used to take pride in my appearence everyday. Now it's just a chore to brush my teeth. I'm useless!
Alone and useless.
I love you.
Astra x
You're not useless or alone. And you're worth so much more than you know.
ReplyDeleteI think it's great that you're trying to build up your friendships again but if the people in your life aren't treating you right (and one definitely isn't) then you need to confide in new people. And don't forget that if you don't want to be with either guy - you don't have to.
Lots of love beautiful x x
You're never useless. <3
ReplyDeleteHope you can build up some new and better friendships. It's so hard to trust people. I learned that the hard way as well--I don't tell anyone ANYTHING important. And there are certain friends I don't tell anything at all. It's just better that way. But then I have found a couple people who really are true friends, and I know I'll keep them around forever. It only took a quarter of century for me to find them.....
And it helps to remember that good friends can come along when you least expect them. It might be someone you've know for years and years but just never really talked to that much. Or it might be a total stranger you meet by chance.
xoxoxoxo
You're not useless. I know that a lot of people will say that it gets better, but it does. The other day I spent the whole day on the couch, tired and watching football. I didn't want to eat or exercise or listen to my music and I don't even like football. I just didn't care.
ReplyDeleteI'm blessed to have a few close freinds that cheered me up today but I know what it's like t be alone. If you try to meet some new people life will be a little more enjoyable.
Just try to start the day with a fake smile to please the world and by the time the day's done that smile will be real.
You are lovely :)
ReplyDeleteyour comments help me move through my day.
I am so proud of you for your success in not cutting that I could cry :)
Hugs for my never alone on blogger friend <3 :)
Sometimes beeing in virtual world is easier, you can be real yourself or start from the beginning with totally clean account and pretend to be someone else.
ReplyDelete