Please Don't Leave Me....

Hello ladies,

OK, so right now, as i type this, my whole life s falling apart before my very eyes. I feel nauseous. 

Sick to my stomach.

 I should firstly explain in the very basics, of whats been going on in the last 8 months, i say, "basics" because other wise we will be here for days.

1. Remember S? The guy i dumped my other BF for? Well, me and him went out for 7 months..it was all perfect, until i started getting paranoid, we started only seeing eachother every 2 weeks, which made it worse, because i thought he was seeing someone else in that time, which to be honest..i suspected him of...then we started to argue and get in huge fights..because " i was tearing us apart" with my depression. He told me to GET A GRIP!!!!!!!!!!!! WTF! and that he couldn't handle my moods anymore...so i dumped him....we have been apart for a month now. But then we started talking again, trying to work things out...but tonight came to the crunch. The final argument to end all arguments. He went back on everything he ever said to me. Lied to my face. believed a lying bitch over me. ( i wont go into that, but basically she stirred it all, and he believes her over me) And blamed me for it all??? When i did nothing.  And in the month we have been apart, after saying " i love you, i want you back" blah blah.....i find his been chatting up other girls....... THATS IT NOW. IT'S OVER. I NEVER WANT TO HEAR FROM HIM AGAIN. HE BROKE MY HEART!! He told me he would never give up on me..and he has..And thats all i need when i feel like this. ( I'll explain later)

2. moving onto 2!....The ex that i dumped S for, wants to be back in my life? I know....what do i do? His trying hard to get me back, so we have been meeting up and stuff, hugging..i dunno? Maybe?

3. I passed my college course....something good right? But now, because of me feeling like this...i've been signed off by my doctor from looking for work..so i'm living off £53 a week, from the government. That money is barely enough to scrape by on. But it has to be this way for a while...so i might as well move on to telling you girls whats been going on in my head again?

 Well...

Over the last 4 or so months...my moods started to deteriorate again, i didn't even notice...it started off with mood swings, depressive thoughts, low self esteem...then suddenly esculated into cutting frequently, suicidal thoughts...isolating myself away from literally everyone.

And now i'm back here again. 

-Cutting

-Suicidal

-Making plans for my own funeral

-Making plans for my own death

-Writing suicide notes, saying goodbye to people.

Seeing a psychiatrist again.

-Back on pills.

-No friends

-Isolated from everyone..simply because when i go outside i have panic attacks..or lose control  and don't come home.

And lastly...i've stopped eating again. And i love it. The control, the dizziness, all the feelings of accomplishment. I weigh about 90lbs now. Just through eating around 500 cals a day or less. It's so easy not to eat! And it's the only thing that makes me feel a little happier. I can't stop. I'm a train wreck, and i just can't stop. 

Astra x