PLEASE READ. ( If You Want To Understand Me Better)

       Hello Beauties <3

Right so OK, do you remember that "thing" i kept talking about, around  weeks ago? And how it's effected me so badly ETC?

I feel now it is the time to tell you, because tbh, you will never get to understand my true feelings if you do not know.

           That 2 weeks ago, my beloved dad took his own life. He was only 45. And you will never understand how much i love him, and miss him, and still do not believe that it's him lying there. Basically, like me he suffered with severe depression, and i think schizophrenia. He was an alcoholic, like he had been for most of his life. I saw him about 2-3 times a month..maybe not even that. I never got to see much of him for the last 2-3 months due to him getting worse and worse with the depression. I didn't know at the time..i thought it was me. I feel a failure as a daughter. He saw me as "perfect" He said so himself. And i'm not. I'm a HUGE FUCKUP. I'm a disgrace to him. In the last 2 weeks, the police have visited me, his wife ( I hate her now) and his mum and dad ( My grand parents) to check up on us, and to give me the part of his suicide note, which talked of me. I cannot get over what it says.

      You want to know why i HATE his wife? Because she is keeping 99% of his things,i have a simple box, of his..i wanted more. I have nothing of his. Plus...she will not let anyone else have a say in funeral arrangements. ( It's this Thursday) She won't contact anyone...so no one knew of any of the arrangements until i rang her to find out myself. He was MY DAD. I want a say here! But i'm not aloud. The one thing i wanted to arrange was the songs being played at the funeral, as i knew his favourite songs. But NO. Both song that are going to be played are from their wedding. IT'S NOT FAIR. I do like her..i do care for her i really do...but i feel so so angry.

        Me and my mum have gone through ALL the photos in the house of him, and re-printed all of them. Just so i can look at them whenever i like.

I MISS HIM SO MUCH. I LOVE YOU DADDY. 

And now, maybe, you can understand me a little better? Understand why i must lose weight, why i must do the things i do. I NEED to be perfect for him. Just like he always thought i was.

Today has been, as the whole weekend has...Terrible. I'm feeling suicidal all over again. The need to cut was so so intense that i ended up scratching my skin to death on my arm on the bus, on the way to the BF's. I had to feel pain. I failed to make it bleed. But the marks are still there. I tried my best my fucking HARDEST! To not eat. But seeing as i was not home, it was impossible. I refused dessert many times this weekend, along with food. I had minimal amount at dinners and lunch. But binged on Saturday =/ An extra pastry.. and sweets. Kinda had to eat though..the BF was getting suspicious. Plus i was getting so many cravings i had to eat them...=/ AND today...i did well until about 3pm. Only had eaten a few nibbles of a pastry...then went out with a friend and bought those aero bubbles?..AND just because my friend brought a Mcdonalds...i brought a chicken baguette thing from there too...although to be honest..it was lush! At that point i didn't care. Just the baguette alone was 550 calories! WTF. AND THEN. my mum had made dinner...but thank the lord i got away with not eating anything. Only a few vegetables.

            I feel so shit. I feel as though i've gone 5 steps back, with my moods. This weekend was just...unbearable. Even the BF said " Is there much point in being together anymore?"...Because i was being THAT cold with him. I just felt numb. Going through anorexia sites on how to tone etc..=/ and ALMOST GOT CAUGHT. Fuck me!  

Still 93 lbs.

 I found the most beautiful song on youtube. It describes me down to a T.

Lisa Loeb- She's falling apart. LOOK IT UP!

I just need to be perfect for him. And i will be, i promise. 

P.S: I'm debating whether to put my email up here, just for a bit...I need to talk to you girls. =/ Shall i or not? 

Astra x