BACK!

Hey peoplems! im back, sorry it's been sooooo long =[
        There was a tragedy in the family this week...hence me not coming on. I couldn't face it. I still cannot believe what has happened, so i'm not going to say it...maybe soon...

        My world however in my little head has been manic. And i mean MANIC. I thought my head was fucked before...now "this" has happened, i don't know whether i'm coming or going. I stayed at the BF'S for a week to escape it all..only came back  yesterday. Went to the doctors...DUNDUN DEEERRRR!!!!!!!! I'm on anti's once again. Stronger ones..i mentioned in my last post. Started them on Sunday just gone. Also got in contact with "Re-think" ..they are a mental health place....who again..after a 30 minute consultation over phone said she was going to contact this other place..who would again ring me, because she was worried about my state of mind..after me saying sometimes i cannot control what i do....so then they rang me and ar coming to my house! for another consultation..to see my environment in which i live....as if that has anything to do with the way i feel? Lately though i have felt 10x worse..due to the "thing"...you know suicidal thoughts..etc. Except feeling the actual need to put them into action. But as you can see, i haven't .....yet.
     The doctor also gave me a "crisis" number, incase i get into one of those moods..as they are 24 hour hotline i can call whenever. Don't think i will though...i hate talking over the phone.
      I do think i need help though, since the "thing" i haven't spoken to my friends in over a week, nor been to college...and my paranoia the way it is, keeps me thinking, shit...i'm not going to be wanted when i get back...no one will like me anymore..etc. And every FB  update of my close friends saying they have been out with so and so having a great time etc..makes me think again..SHIT! I'm being forgotten. Even though i'm probably not. Who knows?

    Doctor also says, i'm TOO UNDERWEIGHT. Skin and bone. And if i don't put on at least half a stone i have to come off my contraceptive injection..which worries me there slightly..but hey. I like being slim and petite. Fat people like...20 stone are DISGUSTING. IF. they can help it. As some people are just born that way. So i currently weigh now.. Just under 93lbs. Maybe 92. Have to admit though, if i lose anymore i will start to look ill. And then that means...hospital. Which has been mentioned. JOY! But tbh, i always look ill as i have very pale skin....and i was ill last night anyway! erghhh feeling sick and what not at 4am. >___>
        So overall, my head from the "thing" has majorly fucked up...I haven't spoken properly t my friends in over a week nor seen anyone. I again cannot eat..today i just managed a sandwich and some beans and chips ( baby sized portion) And again i cannot sleep..hence this post at ten past 1 in the morning. When i should be sleeping so i an get up early and tidy round before the psychiatrist people get here. I'll let you know how it goes tomorrow.

Love you.
Astra x