Tonght I'm Totally Fucked.

And no as i sit here typing this, im not sure what to do... I feel disgusting. Its like..tonight me and a friend were planning to go out  for a drive to another mates, whom i miss dearly, i wanted to see him so bad. But then just as i was ready, hair looked good, re-applied makeup...she backed out. And then my mood went fromhigh as a kite, heart racing, hyper almost..to CRASH. I'm feeling like i want to actually give up. Voices staarted, feling emerged again. Nasty disgusting ones. And thats why my friend thought i was bipolar. I mean, i have the classic signs. Except i'm not, thank god. Well at least the doctor said i'm not..but tbh i have no faith in them, nor pills.
            I feel numb, its like if i were to cut deep, i wouldn't feel it. I'm so so paranoid right now, even as i type this, it feels like "things" are watching me, waiting to hurt me. Demons as you were. Its nasty and i hate it.
I HATE ME. I'm angry, sad, paranoid, depressive, suicidal, all at the same time..i could rip things up, punch walls..and at the same time, cry my eyes out as well as laughing like a mad man. I hate it. I dunno whats wrong with me. I've hardly eaten today, as per usual. i had 6 hash browns for a dinner? and ate like half coz it makes me want to puke whenever i eat. And then i have mother moaning at me "are you starving yourself? do you want to be skin and bone? you look anorexic!" WTF???? EXCUSE ME? I'm not. i have fat on me TAH. So what if you can see ribs, protruding hip bones, collar bones. who cares???? I don't want to change right now. I'm too scared. I'm just at a loss. I can't think without these thoughts entering my head. I need solace.

The end.

Astra x