Take Charge!

         Hello gorgeous people :)

                     I'm finally starting to get back into socialising. :) Made me feel good today. I saw one of my best friends who i haven't seen in over 3-4 weeks? Due to obvious reasons. It was sort of weird feeling a little bit of normality. We shall call her G :)  G and i were meant to have a good proper "catch up"...which obviously involved talking about me and how i've been getting on..as she knows practically everything...even a bit of me not hardly ever wanting to eat...but thats it, none of the detailed facts..i just can't =/. As i love her to bits. But we couldn't have our good catch up as she had to take her little sister out with her...which at first i absolutely DREADED! ( I really HATE children) but tbh, i loved her! :D She was so lovely, she's 7 years old, so just about passes my "test" for not being annoying! XD  It was so good :) We all held hands and what not...and then bumped into..lets call him A? Who is also a good friend, but also the BF's best mate. And we all held hands walking down the street in a big line, felt odd holding A's hand! But he is very lovely and very much gorgeous! Even though he loves to think not! We all sort of ended up going to the park and have a go on the swings, which tbh is a LOT of fun! :D AND! managed to resist icecream :) G and her little sister both went to get some, and even after much persistent but kind nagging from G to buy some ( i know she is only concerned for me..but i just don't want to hear it), i didn't! Felt good. Although after we left A in the park to meet his other friends, we did end up buying food, as G's little sister was hungry...and as G does know about my lack of eating, i had to buy something. And after much deliberation, decided on a little pasta pot..which until i walked outside didn't realize this innocent looking thing contained 510 CALORIES!. 510! For a teeny little pot! Which i do add, was DISGUSTING! So left it half eaten on the shop's steps outside :) But to be honest, thats all i had eaten since about, 9.30am.

            On a slightly separate note, over 3 weeks ago, G invited me to go with her to this Halloween party at this club...first off i said yes of course!..But after the "thing" that happened 2 weeks ago..i said no, and it was only today that she reminded me that i should defiantly go..but i'm not sure...i still dread to think what i'll be like around massive crowds of people..i know i will not be able to handle it. I know for a fact it will start up things in my head..i've only been on these new pills for just over a week, and i haven't really felt any effect from them..so i just don't know. =/ Plus...it's a weekend, so i want to see the BF. FUCKS SAKE! I know that if i go..i'll want to drink to make my head stop feeling and thinking disgusting horrible things..and if i drink i'll be worse..its a lose-lose situation. Help? 

         To top off this now shit mood, i haven't even had dinner yet I DON'T FUCKING WANT TO EAT!! Not hungry and just no? WTF? I was in an OK mood before i started this post. I just feel like saying FUCK! to everything. Fuck food. Fuck life. And fuck my head.  Need to scream.

No more calories!  This is the first time in ages i feel this way. The way in which i feel like chucking all the dinner in the bin. Getting pissed and forgetting everything. Even though i know it will make things 10x worse. I think we should make a stand.

I'm not ana OR mia...so why do i feel like this??? Or maybe i am? =/ Does anyone have an answer?

THEY'RE OUR BODIES AND WE CAN DO WHAT THE HELL WE WANT WITH THEM!  

Love, Astra x 

 

She is very inspirational.