And incase no one knows yet... i'm a complementary therapist..well studying it at level 3 now :)..basically that consists of doing aromatherapy, Swedish body massage and reflexology ( look it up ). This would now be my second year studying it. From going from 6th form that is..that dreaded awful shit hole! Learnt NOTHING. But yes anyway...=]
I came home feeling so so tired, stuffed my face with sweets and shit. Which now i feel terrible for, as its all shit. We learnt, the arm, front of leg and abdomen routine today. Soooooooooooooo relaxing! i fell asleep. I swear this course is the only course ever to actually ENCOURAGE students to fall asleep!
Yesterday however there were reasons that i didn't post, not only because i was feeling tired. I had a terrible mood swing..from you know...fine to suicidally depressive. I wanted to cut again...except this time more than you can imagine. It felt like the only way out until one of my closest friends sussed something was wrong and talked me out of it. For that i thank him. Except..this evening however, after telling me not to cut, he confessed he had been cutting...because of his GF. They're having problems..i wont go into that, its not my place. I may ring him after this post, as he went offline a while ago..and his drinking, which can only make things worse. God, i love my friends so much.
Back to now however, i guess i'm not feeling too bad now, compared to earlier, i thought my head might implode from so much paranoia and anxiety..which i obviously had to hide in college as they no nothing of any of this, or my past. Felt so tight, like i needed to scream, like everyone around me was laughing or whispering about me, which they probably weren't. I hate them sort of states of mind....which brings me onto my last subject, and the fact i was meant to see my doctor about a week ago to get my pills doubled, i haven't obviously been...for many reasons, one being that everytime i get into a state, feeling like cutting etc. i convince myself its a bad idea to go and just go back to bed instead. I know she knows i've lost weight and i don't want to be weighe either...i've had enough of people commenting about that as it is. But i guess thats why i'm feeling so awful lately, because technically i should of run out of pills a week ago..but i've been skipping days due to my head and thoughts telling me not to take them etc..=/ Sometimes when i get manic, i feel a sense of sickening ontrol, looking at calories, watching everything i eat, everything i do...until i get out of that state and think what have i done? Right now i don't know what to do, i know i should go..but i just don't want to bring everything up again, i hate talking about it. But i NEED those pills.
Oh yeah...forgot to say....i had another argument with the BF, you see its my best friends birthday soon...and he doesn't want me drinking without him there...but it was his decision not to go as he already spent money on something else..=/ So right now i'm pissed off, but still..i'll still go..it will do me good..surely?
P.S: I just want to say, keep strong to the beautiful people i'm following, i read all your blog updates, and your all such strong wonderful people. Make me feel terrible.
<--- Goregeous Right?
Astra x
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