What A Day...

What a day today has been....my god. i've actually eaten more than i did yesterday, by far. It was only because ii did get a little scared, as i walked to tesco's looking up at the trees, everything seemed slightly blurry and swirley. I thought i might collapse. Plus i was alone.
It has been better today, mood wise anyway. Right now as i type this though...well, thats a different story..The need to cut, the need to binge on anything i can lay my hands on, is immense. Just to see blood. Just to feel that sharp pain, it would help. I'm trying my best to resist, but its so hard.
I have tried to take my mind off it, i cleaned the entire house, now THAT was a workout i can tell you.
I was home alone for most of the day and it made me feel so much better. But as soon as the mother walked in, i fell back into a depression of hatred and pain...i think it may because she just doesn't understand...everytime i bring up the subject, the pills do nothing, i still feel terrible, i want to cut, i feel fucking SUICIDAL 99% OF THE TIME! All i get is.."well go back to the doctors then!"
It doesnt fucking work like that!!!!!!!!! i NEED solace here? To talk to somebody, anybody who understand me? will not judge...If it came to it, fucking well cut with me!? WTF!...That sounds awful...but its better than everyone going on a me.."oh shut up, oh get over it..."
IT'S NOT THAT FUCKING EASY!!!!!! 
I just have to talk to someone. I need to feel normal again. Because quite simply, at this moment in time..and everyday, every minute. I feel so heavy, heavy with numbness..but yet sadness and cutting and eating and food and friends...Everything i HATE all mixed together..and i only hate it because no one understands!
















On another note....my non existing father has been trying to call me all week...i've obviously ignored the calls, for various reason..2 being because i've simply not wanted contact with anyone this week because of the way i feel..and 2 because he only rings and is only a father when it suits...if you can call him that...his more if a "mate" who only calls when they want something. I can safety say i cannot ever tell him about this, and i have not had a "serious" conversation with him in years because NOTHING can be taken seriously with him.     I have no father figure really..only the bf's dad..but i can't talk with him about this either, i don' want anyone knowing. Apart from the ones who already founds out from the way i was acting like..months ago.  The only person i can talk to about everything doesn't seem to want to know anymore..she has her own issues to deal with, similar to mine, which i don't blame her for..but still...I'll probably talk about my non existent father in a another post..if your interested that is! But for now, i guess i'll leave it at that.


Astra x