Oh my beautiful girls,
I'm so confused about everything all over again. S and C.
I saw C today, we chatted and hugged for a bit..but it was so cold out, i really didn't want to be out doors anymore :(
I'm so confused.....
Last night S text me going " What are your ambitions in life? What do you want to happen in your future? Because i don't think we want the same things"
As if my life isn't shit enough as it is? He thinks i have no ambitions and shit? Because now his at college, he has the upper hand in life? Well buddy! I went to college for 3 years!! And passed my course. I wanted to scream. I lied and told him what i wanted for my "future" When really, i don't want anything, because i feel so shit, all i want for a future is death. All i do is cut or binge or starve. So no S, No i don't want a future. Happy?
Course i didn't say that....but i felt like it.
We don't want the same things? Could of fucking told me before. My lies are what he wants to hear, so i fed them to him.
" I want kids, to move out and live with you, to live my life to the full, to have a career in what i trained for"....
FUCK OFF. I don't want any of that right now. Ever since i told him my true feelings and emotions, his been acting like this, or just not talking to me full stop. He probably thinks i'm a freak, a psycho just like everyone else. Because i see things "differently" from most people.
I cut myself deeper everyday, to feel "better", "normal" able to function
I starve to feel my empty stomach, churning with hunger pangs.
I binge to make myself feel shit, because i deserve it.
I don't see a bright happy future like he does, i see NOTHING. Nothing but pain and suffering.
And i have to lie to him to make him think i'm "normal"
And then after treating me like this, he then texts me out of the blue, saying " i love you baby" WTF??
On a happier note. While i was out with C today, i over heard some girls talking about me, i didn't know them, but they kept staring....and then one said
"Look, that girl is like a stick, id love to be like that"
RESULT.
Did OK for food today, couple of weetabix, a pasta pot and some sausages and chicken. Seems a lot, but i worked it off, and ate slow.
Is there ever going to be an end to this?
Hiding S and C from eachother, this never ending depression, hating and loathing, complete confusion, suicide, self harm?
Over the last few days, i feel completely out of control.
Also, does anyone live in the UK?? Text buddy needed, please
Astra x
Beautiful girl I know you don't believe me yet, but you are so much more precious & valuable than you know. And so much more loved than you know. Praying for you x x x
ReplyDeletehmm okay, this is just MY guess, but maybe he was asking what you wanted as a future to see if there is something that you want so he can use that to make you feel better...?? like find something 'worth living for' type a thing...he asked in a weird way tho...idk. thats my guess...i tots understand the sudden mood change. happens to me too, idk why...im even on meds...
ReplyDeleteI wish I lived in the UK. It sounds so ideal...I understand not really knowing or busting at the the seams with joy and happiness when you think about the future.
ReplyDeleteCongrats on the comment, not surprising since your always so strong!
But relationships? It sounds like he is trying to show he cares, just in a manly/odd way of doing it. Because he obviously wants you in his future, and instead of just saying that (because that would be to simple) he asks you that poorly worded question, really only wanting to know if you want to be in his future.
or at least that's what it seems.
Either way your lovely, and you deserve to be happy with who ever you choose.
with love,
~Ell
yeeees, i'm in the uk :) email me, with your number :) my email address is me_123150@hotmail.co.uk xo.
ReplyDeleteI think that the random "I love you" was probably him realizing how stupid he was for either not talking to you or making you lie to him.
ReplyDeleteThat is amazing what those girls said. Take any compliment you can get when your head says the opposite.
Take care <3