I just need to babble on about how shit i feel right now.
So don't feel you HAVE TO read this...i just have to get this out.
I feel so so so shit right now. Everything feels like it's caving in. The light is fading. And no one can hear my screams. I'm deafening myself with my cries.
But still no one can help me. I feel trapped in my body, trapped in this world. In a tiny cage with no escape. And slowly that cage is getting smaller. I'm suffocating.
I want this to end. I NEED this to end.
I'm so drained of feeling ugly, worthless, shitty, depressive, suicidal. I hate my body so so much. And whatever i do, nothing changes. Everyday is a battle. A fake smile or a laugh.
I'm FAKE. I'm ALL FAKE.
You know what i did the other night?
I scribbled in my diary.
Dear God,
Please do not let me wake up tomorrow.
I want to DIE.
And smeared my blood all over the page.
Is that normal???
No. It's not, to be blunt, it's sick and disgusting.
I'm sick and disgusting.
UGLY WORTHLESS PIECE OF SHIT.
I have no purpose on this earth anymore. I can't do, or something would of changed by now. I'm tired of feeling paranoid and panicy. I hate my life. I can't wake up feeling like this anymore. Its driving me insane. The only peace i get is when i sleep. But i can't sleep forever. Until i'm dead and buried. That's why i crave death so badly? Because its peace. Peace from this sick twisted cruel crap world. I see no way out. Other than death. Even self harm doesn't do much for me anymore, unless i go really deep. I see no future, all i see is blackness. I'm scared about my life, scared to walk out the door.
I can't trust anybody i know, not even myself because of my erratic mind!
I hold no hope anymore.
Everything good walks away. Leaves forever.
I can't trust anybody i know, not even myself because of my erratic mind!
I hold no hope anymore.
Everything good walks away. Leaves forever.
Beautiful girl I wish I could hug you so tight right now. I wish I had words to offer that could comfort you and show you that there is hope, there really is. You are strong and wonderful and I know that things are so awful right now, but you WILL emerge from this so much stronger than you ever knew you could be. Don't lose all hope. There is more to life.
ReplyDeletehttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kyJnGtz58to
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Wi-5IslrPk
Praying for you x x
Hun...I wish I could hold you and give you my bear it makes the bad things go away. You and your soul are beautiful...Find the strength you need to fight this off, because you are so strong. I love you, and for a selfish reason where would I be with out your support and guidance.
ReplyDeletelove you hun. I'm praying for you too.
with love
~Ell
:( I wish I could hug you. And I hope that's not weird since I don't know you. But this post made me so sad. And I don't know if it's normal to smear blood on the pages of your diary but I've done that too. God, I wish I could say more than "take care of yourself", more than "we need you here", more than "it's okay to feel this way and things will get better". Everything feels inadequate, because nothing anyone says makes anything better. I know that. You are beautiful and young and deserve to feel good. I hope that one day you do. Hang in there, lean and hold on to the people you have here. <3 Jade
ReplyDeleteI hate that you feel this way. I've done the same thing in my diary. I used to write whole letters in blood. :(
ReplyDeleteI know that what I say might not make much a difference, but I have to say it anyway:
You are not ugly, you are not worthless, and you are not a piece of shit. You are not sick or disgusting. You are beautiful and clever and worthy of happiness.
It can feel impossible, but all you can do is keep fighting the bad feelings, and fight them with everything you have. You're stronger than your depression, and one day you will beat it. <3
xoxoxo
You are nota worthless piece of shit.
ReplyDeleteYou are beautiful and I'm proud of how strong you are. If I had all this going on in my life right now I probably would've already killed myself.
Stay strong <3
I'm probably the only guy reading and posting around here,and I'm not sure if my words mean anything to you,but still.
ReplyDeleteI've noticed how everyone keeps saying "you'll beat the depression one day".If you ask me,you've already beaten it.Every day you're still alive is a win,and with every day the "depression" losses control.
I couldn't know what you're actually going trough,but it seems to be very far from something easy,so you must have a strong mind.
If my words are wrong,I apologize.
Love,Just.