Woop Woop, Here Comes The Crazy Train.........

Beauty's,

I'm not sure where to begin

I feel just completely numb again, like i don't exist, i was sitting in the bath for ages just staring at the wall, thinking of ways to kill myself...

It's crazy, mad, not right.

I imagined slicing my wrists, and the blood trickling down my hands into the water, dying it crimson red. This can't be normal can it?

I sat at the dinner table staring down at my food, feeling physically sick at the site of it. And threw half of it away.

I've tried so many pills now, and i've got a feeling these ones aren't going to work either. The need to cut is back. The lack of motivation, the self hate, the pulling at the fat on my thighs, the staring down at my stomach and thinking, god, i'm fat. I don't know whats going on anymore. I went out today for some retail therapy, bought a couple of tops ( size 6) which i think is an American size 0? It's all baggy and nice. Made me feel a little happier. Spent a fortune though!

Am i mad?

My room is nearly complete, so thats one job over!

Then i have to go to the doctors tomorrow for my contraceptive injection..and MAYBE blood tests. The psychiatrist wanted me to have them done, not sure why...i'm not sure if i want to have them done to be honest...

I feel like saying FUCK OFF to everything, to life
I'm trying to stay in contact with my friends, so i don't lose them more than i have already, but its so hard when you don't want to actually see anybody, and my eczema is back, wow..that really helps my self esteem, i hate  my body!....

I love you,

Astra x