Back! ( Long Post)

Hello beautiful people,

Well, i'm back!......finally! Ended up staying longer than planned because at the moment our house is a wreck, as we are having our kitchen and bathroom completely re-done. I HATE the mess. Makes my anxiety go up. Is that weird?? I just HAVE to have a tidy house, so i've spent all day cleaning what i can, before they come back and make more mess.

So the stay at S's was......a strange one?

The first week was fine...we got on well, was intimate and blah blah, snuggles and such. And i was fine while i was left at his while he went to college. And then....i had a MAJOR slip up...my mood just plummeted. We were watching TV and then i just said i was tired so i was going to bed...ran up the stairs and just sobbed into his pillow. I was feeling suicidal, depressed, fat, and a mess. I cannot stand people ANYONE for that matter seeing me cry...i just feel weak and pathetic. And then he heard me...I tried to do the whole " pretend i'm asleep" routine. But he sat on the bed and hugged me. He knew i was awake. I didn't want to tell him about anything...because so far for the last few months i've kept him in the dark about things in fear that it will frighten him away. But as you do when you have a weak moment...you pour your heart out. And now he knows everything. The cutting, the suicidal tendancies, the OD

FUCK.

He told me i was silly, he said it would be OK, he said he wouldn't walk away. But what i had just told him, scared him. He told me i should go home....so i practically begged him not to take me. BRILLIANT. And from the moment i poured my heart out to him, cried in his arms about wanting to die. Things changed. For the next week of me staying, awkward silences, no talking, no intimacy..NOTHING. And even though he told me he still loved me, it stayed like that. So i cut my stay short, as i was going to stay up there longer because of the chaos in my house. I couldn't stand it anymore. He told me he loved me over and over again at my front door, but something had changed. And now i don't know when we are going to next see eachother because he says he is busy with college.......

So word to the wise.

Keep everything a secret. Because i think by telling him everything, i've again ruined my chances....

Fuck telling anyone else.

I miss him so much. I fucking love the boy so much. And i really don't want to.

I've decided to stop taking my last box of sleeping pills, and keep them instead. As a stash. Incase it all gets too much. Like a security blanket.

This is how bad its gotten now.

I hate being home. HATE IT HATE IT HATE IT.

It's when my depression hits hard. I've done well with calories today..must of worked them all off due to cleaning like a maniac. It's hard to keep the floor clean though when you have a hamster who insists on throwing her food out of the cage. SCREW YOU!!!

I know i'm going to cut tonight. Because i can't take feeling this shit anymore. I just need to feel pain. It was so tempting to cut at S's...i was just playing with a kitchen knife...but i knew it would be a stupid idea once he had found out...So now i am back home, in my safe haven of depression, and FATNESS. I feel so ugly.

I'm also seeing C tomorrow....god knows why? He already knows everything about me..so i can't scare him off.

I hope you girls have done better than me. I'm going to have a good ol' catch up on all your blogs now

Your my motivation, you girls are. The only people i can talk to without feeling judged.

I also got a copy of a letter my psychiatrist sent to my doctor.....OMG. She's made me sound like a complete PSYCHO, talking about my habits and OD'ing, and cutting and suicidal thoughts, plans and voices in my head. And " i had a childish appearance"???? What's all that about??? She said there is no doubt that i am underweight. But hahahahaha OH WELL!!!

Astra x