Weight Of The World

Dear beauties,

So blogger is letting me comment again...something to do with cookies??

I feel like shit still...

I've fallen out with my friend B because he is besotted with me( if you remember from a previous post?)...but i'm with S and he doesn't like that..so we aren't talking...because i apparently lead him on?? Even though i did nothing of the kind!

S is messing me about too, he keeps changing his mind about if he can come up to see me or not, because of money, which then builds up my hopes, which sends me on a high...then changes his mind too, oh sorry i can't come up after all...which sends me on a right downer..his changed his mind about 5 times now...i can't be doing with this shit!!!

I got a letter from my psychiatrist today, saying i won't be seeing her anymore, and i have been transferred to someone else...probabaly someone from another country who doesn't understand a word of English, like last time.And apparently, " My condition is still too complex for psychotherapy" Gah. Oh the joys of being complicated!! Plus i wont be getting an appointment for another 6-8 weeks!! In the meantime i'm feeling like shit.

I feel dead inside.

I'm eating like a monster.

The other day i was going to top myself...i went out to see my dad's grave, and sat speaking to him for ages...telling him i was going to see him soon and shit...i wasn't going to go home..i was going to get the bus to where my "place of death" is..and just lay on some railway tracks...But some other people came along to tend to their grave, and i snapped out of it, and went into panic mode, so i cam straight back home....that's not normal right??

I can switch from one mood to the next, in a matter of seconds, from major high to major low...it's quite ridiculous.

But right now i just feel utterly crap...

My face is full of acne from stress, i can't even be bothered to have a bath, i have no motivation at all, i feel like the living dead. Literally.

I'm meant to be going out with my grandparents tomorrow to plant new flowers on my dad's grave...i have no motivation for that either...i know that sounds awful.

I just want to scream!!!

I'm so tired, but yet i can't sleep, i feel like i have a huge hangover, i ache all over and feel so sick :(

Maybe i'll feel better tomorrow...i hope so...

Astra x