Where to start, what to say?...

Evening lovelies,

Well, where do i start?

I've been away for so long, there's just too much to catch up on.

When i left here, a year ago, i was....suicidal. I managed to fight it and became...ok?

I went off the rails for a bit, slept with people i probably shouldn't of, smoked, drank too much...didn't really care? 

I was content in my little whirlwind of madness.

Underneath the façade of smiles and "not caring"..i was dying. My insides hurt. My head hurt. My anxiety was tremendous. I was though, eating normally.

I dated, i had new boyfriends, i went out, i lied about my emotions to everyone

" Oh yeah, i'm well enough and stable enough to find a job now! To lead a normal life!"

I fooled everyone, even my psych. 

Because i was "having fun"

And yeah, parts of the last year or so, were fun, genuine fun. But for the most part...it was a lie.

I got treated like shit by certain people, my hair started to fall out, my acne came back after being on accutane for it, i got into arguments, i started to feel ugly again, anxiety popped up its ugly head...and slowly...i can't pin point when, my moods just...plummeted. Yet again.

I was on a high, and all of a sudden, i came back down with a crash.

I wasn't me, i was wreckless and confident and...loud?

Maybe it was all too much, too soon?

Now...i'm back to self harming, not wanting to eat, suicidal, unable to cope, unable to function, anxiety is....unbelievable. I can barely go outside anymore without feeling sick to my stomach, dizzy, angry, afraid, alone...

I feel so....alone.

I can't talk to my mum, i've lost my best friend because we tried to be more and it failed...i can't talk to anyone and it feels like everything is slipping away again.

All i do with my days is, house work, drink copious amounts of coffee and..watch tv.

It's all i can manage without freaking out.

I'm trying to cope with going out...but it causes so much panic. I'm finding myself looking for excuses not to go anywhere.

My house is my prison/solace.

I can't cope with anything.

I feel myself wasting away...i'm bony, pale and lethargic.

My life is a waste.

 A few months ago, i got assessed by a new psychologist, diagnosis: Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder.

It's not an official diagnosis, she didn't have the power to do that, but she said, it's more than likely. After all the intrusive questions.

Currently awaiting CBT.

Can't wait...

Astra x

P.S: If you're a new follower, or i'm not following you back, shout it out please!

Trying to get back into the swing of reading all your blogs.