I'm sorry i've been absent again....
I've been trying to work things out.
There's something seriously wrong with me, my head.
The thoughts i have aren't normal, i knew that already, i just didn't know the extent of the damage.
I should be so happy right now.
I'm finally in a relationship with my best friend. Someone who i can trust, see my self being with forever. He makes me feel like no one else has.
Remember B? from a long time ago, the start of my blog...the one who stuck by me through thick and thin, well it's him.
I should of been with him years ago...and now we both have "pasts"....pasts that make me paranoid, afraid, angry, upset....other girls have had him, before me...it should of only been me...how selfish and odd does that sound? I knew everything about him...and now i don't. It kills me.
We mucked about for weeks before being official...kept losing contact, mixed signals....til he properly asked me out. And now we're together, fear has taken over my happiness. i know him inside out, but now we're together, it feels like i don't know him at all....due to paranoia.
I'M A PSYCHO.
I'm frightened, more than i ever have been. I can't lose him, if i lose him i have nothing. I love him already..i loved him before, but now it's different and i can't tell him. His ex tried to get him back the other week...he added a girl on FB....i'm scared i'm going to lose him.
I'm a paranoid freak of nature.
Everything with him feels different. he's seen me at my worst, many times. He knows everything about me. I just can't stop thinking. Thinking, he said he wanted to be with me for years, well then, why have other girlfriends? I know i had boyfriends...but why give up because of that?......HOW FUCKED UP IS THAT THOUGHT!?
If he loved me for all those years, how could you be with someone else?
I'm so fucked up.
Everything is so clear now, but also so messed up.
I feel like a train wreck.
My paranoia right now is at it's highest.
I have everything to lose now. Everything.
Please don't fuck up.
Astra x
You don't have to apologize for not posting. It's your blog and you're under no obligation to post. We're still here when you come back :)
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you're having so many stresses in your new relationship. I was always terrified of losing my ex, and for the first year or so we were together he had on-and-off contact with his ex and tried to hide it from me. The only advice I can give is to trust him. He didn't get back with his ex for a reason. He obviously cares for you, or you wouldn't be dating. Try to give him the benefit of the doubt.
<3
xx