Eating Disorder? What Eating Disorder?!

Hello pretty ladies,

Well, today i had to see the psychiatrist AGAIN. Because she was "concerned about my weight"

So...i went along, told her about Saturday...SHIT. And she said, i shouldn't drink while i'm on these because it could have that effect and that's why i went into psycho mode XD AND my other doctor gave me the wrong dose of pills!!!!!! And that's why my moods have been so erratic! PAHA.

So now i'm taking 1 anti depressant in the morning along with a sedative drug, and 2 sedatives at night along with another pill for my hallucinations. God! I can't keep up! GAH. 4 pills a day -____-

Is that a lot? I'm unsure...it doesn't seem much to me! Oh well :)

So then the conversation moved onto my weight............

She said she wanted to weigh me.....

So i acted all cool and said, "yeah if you like"

So she asked again, do i mind that these new pills have the side effect of weight gain, so i again said

"No of course not" ( screaming in my head FUCKKK!!! YES I DO!!! )

AND THEN ASKED IF I WANTED TO JOIN AN EATING DISORDERS GROUP!! Because she said she didn't believe me when i told her i was eating and stuff. And was suspicious of me. So again...i laughed it off and politely said no thanks!

PANIC 

When she did weigh me, i am precisely, 40.6KG

I'VE GAINED.

FUCK.MY.LIFE.

Anyway...after all that i decided to meet with a friend in town after buying new undies and a cardigan :D Lets call him B. ( B has always liked me and had feelings for me, but knows i want nothing more) So we headed to BURGER KING. And i had an..
XL double bacon burger with cheese........
126173627637263723 calories?????

I said to B, because he knows everything, coz i can trust him with everything,
"If they think i have an eating disorder, this will show them!!" 

Don't ask me why i ate it.......i feel shit.

But it was the only thing i ate all day......

NO EXCUSE.

So then me and B went back to mine and played some xbox and chilled..he tried to hold my hand a few times..awkward..=/ ..i feel stupid you know? This is a guy that would do ANYTHING for me. A guy i can rely on all the time, who is genuine and caring, doesn't lie or cheat. And i'm not interested? WTF. Instead i go for the guy who treats me like shit???

Why do we ignore the ones who adore us, and adore the ones who ignore us?

Doesn't make sense does it?

I don't like these new pills.....they take my anxiety away a bit, but they make you get one hell of an appetite...and weight gain =/

I hope your all feeling happy,

i love you girls.

Astra x