I've Ruined Everything. I Have No One Anymore.

Hello beautiful people,

I should not of gone out last night. I've lost everyone. I tried to kill myself. ( But i don't want to go into that bit so i'll leave it out)  And everyone knows about my depression and suicidal tendancies.

Want me to explain?

I'll try the short version, so i'll get straight to the point.

Everything was so much fun, me and a few old college friends went out for drinks in a few bars, i even asked one of the guys to pretend to be my BF so no guys would come onto me ( Thinking of S) and we all had a great night. Until it hit about 1am. 1 drink too many. I literally went from fun loving, having a laugh to ROCK BOTTOM. In the blink of an eye. No warning or nothing. I ran to the loo's and sobbed. No body knew. I walked back out and fell silent. Then one of my friends asked if i was OK...and i started to cry again..in front of everyone. Then proceeded to tell EVERYONE how i wanted to die. And carried on explaining in detail why i had been avoiding going out. From what i can remember, because the night is a bit of a blur....they just sat there..looking at eachother, as if to say WTF freak much?

Then had to run to the loos to throw up....stupid and embarrassing. When i came back out no one said anything more of it. And we headed to another bar. I could tell they were watching me now though. Then had another drink.....and started to cry in the loos AGAIN. This time 2 of my mates came in....they took my phone and tried to ring my dad....which made me sob more...because none of them know he isn't here anymore....

Then from what i can remember, they got me a cab home, and walked me to my door and just told my mum i had too many drinks. Soon as they left, i started sobbing and collapsed on the bathroom floor screaming at my mum i wanted to die. Punching the walls, smacking my head on the bath, in an attempt to knock myself out. By this time i was hallucinating as well. I was seeing and hearing things. As well as this going on, in between breaths, i was throwing up blood... I have no idea why.

I just remember screamin at the top of my lungs i wanted to die, kill me now, i can't do this anymore. My mum rang the hospital to take me away, but i grabbed the phone off her. I ended up collapsing on the sofa and fell asleep.

I wish i never woke up.

After being sick, and having a migraine and not being able to see properly from where i smashed my head so hard, and swollen bruised knuckles....

I txt S saying sorry i didn't txt you when i got home, my phone stopped working coz i dropped it on the club floor in some booze ( Which is true) And then i get a txt back saying, "NEVER TALK TO ME AGAIN. YOU PROBABLY SLEPT WITH SOME GUY. DON'T BULLSHIT ME. LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE"

This was at half 9 this morning. I tried txting him..he wont reply. I feel dead. I love him so so deeply much. But why would he say that for no reason? I don't understand. I can't begin to explain how i feel right now, so i wont bother.

Then i tried txting C, to again say sorry for not getting back to him when i got home. He then told me to leave him alone too..and said he tried to kill himself last night too and it was MY FAULT. Why??? Because in  a moment of being pissed, i replied to his txt of him asking what he meant to me with, "I don't know what i want. I'm a mess, sorry."

So he said, after that he tried to kill himself. And now he doesn't want anything to do with me either.

I'VE LOST EVERYBODY.

Without S or C in my life, there's no point.

I've fucked everything up, without even knowing it.

Honestly, without them, i don't want to live anymore, as pathetic as that sounds, because i love them both too much. I hurt so much, i can physically feel the pain in my chest.

I don't want to do this without them. I can't.

Oh yeah! And i've lost my friends too. Coz remember when i said i tried to kill myself??
Yeah. Clever fucking me, tried to do it whilst i was still with them. Pissed out my head.