Don't Doubt, Just Believe.

Oh my lovelies,

My day started off so beautifully.

Magical if you want.

I shall tear this post in two, the magical part, then the disgusting terrifying part.

Magical part:

 I went with my grandparents to put down a Christmas tree at my Dad's grave, we tidied it up and made it look pretty. I then went into town with my Grandma, Everything from then on, linked together, making signs. Doesn't make sense? I'll explain.

We went to Topshop as i wanted a new top, and bumped into my Grandma's friend, who's a clairvoyant, and who knew my Dad, she said i had a golden aura around me. I think that's good, this links to the fact that i have been thinking for months how i would want to join their spiritualist church, to become a part of something happy and safe. A way perhaps to speak to my Dad. Me and my Grandma ended up speaking a lot about me joining over coffee. Then went into another shop an i was instantly drawn to this angel figurine, i couldn't take my eyes off it. In the end my Grandma bought it for me, it's beautiful. I could feel my dad around me, actually there, with me, willing me to buy it. Then we proceeded to M&S for food shopping and instantly came across white lilies ( My dad's favourite flower.) We laughed because by that time i had told her, i could feel him around me, and he was just sending signs, I even came across a white feather sitting in a Christmas tree, i knew it was from him because i felt an urgency to look in the direction, where it sat, and it was directly in my path. Then on my way home on the bus, i asked him in my head to give me a sign he was near, and instantly saw in my direct line of view, a magpie, his favourite bird and the words, "don't doubt, just believe" popped in my head, out of no where. I then asked for another sign, and there it was, two white feathers sitting in my driveway. It was him, i could actually feel him. I felt calm, at peace. Happy.

The disgusting terrifying bit:

I am now sitting here, with voices in my head again, and the massive urge to cut. My mood has just gone. I feel crazy!!! I found myself sitting in the bathroom staring into the mirror for about 10 minutes. I feel so disgusting. I scribbled in my diary LEAVE ME ALONE. to the voices in my head. It hasn't worked. 387584753734 calories consumed today. Probably. Stupid pig. I hate myself.

I'm stressing so so much about Christmas. I hate it, i want it to go away. My mum has made plans to go away to my nans, to see ALL the family. My anxiety goes through the roof just thinking about it.....i can't handle that many people. The fake smiles. The lies. The loneliness. The vulnerability. The paranoia.

HATE IT. HATE IT. HATE IT.

I'm the let down of the family, the ugly one.

I've always been compared to my cousin, who now has a stable relationship, she's beautiful, she looks like Dita von teese. NO JOKE. She has a well paid job and is happy. Then there is me. The fuck up.

.No job

.No future

.Ugly

.Freak

I'm sorry this ended to depressing...

Astra x