I don't know.

I'm sorry i've been absent again....

I've been trying to work things out.

There's something seriously wrong with me, my head.

The thoughts i have aren't normal, i knew that already, i just didn't know the extent of the damage.

I should be so happy right now.

I'm finally in a relationship with my best friend. Someone who i can trust, see my self being with forever. He makes me feel like  no one else has.

Remember B? from a long time ago, the start of my blog...the one who stuck by me through thick and thin, well it's him.

I should of been with him years ago...and now we both have "pasts"....pasts that make me paranoid, afraid, angry, upset....other girls have had him, before me...it should of only been me...how selfish and odd does that sound? I knew everything about him...and now i don't. It kills me.

We mucked about for weeks before being official...kept losing contact, mixed signals....til he properly asked me out. And now we're together, fear has taken over my happiness. i know him inside out, but now we're together, it feels like i don't know him at all....due to paranoia.

I'M A PSYCHO.

I'm frightened, more than i ever have been. I can't lose him, if i lose him i have nothing. I love him already..i loved him before, but now it's different and i can't tell him. His ex tried to get him back the other week...he added a girl on FB....i'm scared i'm going to lose him.

I'm a paranoid freak of nature.

Everything with him feels different. he's seen me at my worst, many times. He knows everything about me. I just can't stop thinking. Thinking, he said he wanted to be with me for years, well then, why have other girlfriends? I know i had boyfriends...but why give up because of that?......HOW FUCKED UP IS THAT THOUGHT!?

If he loved me for all those years, how could you be with someone else?

I'm so fucked up.

Everything is so clear now, but also so messed up.

I feel like a train wreck.

My paranoia right now is at it's highest.

I have everything to lose now. Everything.

Please don't fuck up.

Astra x

Where to start, what to say?...

Evening lovelies,

Well, where do i start?

I've been away for so long, there's just too much to catch up on.

When i left here, a year ago, i was....suicidal. I managed to fight it and became...ok?

I went off the rails for a bit, slept with people i probably shouldn't of, smoked, drank too much...didn't really care? 

I was content in my little whirlwind of madness.

Underneath the façade of smiles and "not caring"..i was dying. My insides hurt. My head hurt. My anxiety was tremendous. I was though, eating normally.

I dated, i had new boyfriends, i went out, i lied about my emotions to everyone

" Oh yeah, i'm well enough and stable enough to find a job now! To lead a normal life!"

I fooled everyone, even my psych. 

Because i was "having fun"

And yeah, parts of the last year or so, were fun, genuine fun. But for the most part...it was a lie.

I got treated like shit by certain people, my hair started to fall out, my acne came back after being on accutane for it, i got into arguments, i started to feel ugly again, anxiety popped up its ugly head...and slowly...i can't pin point when, my moods just...plummeted. Yet again.

I was on a high, and all of a sudden, i came back down with a crash.

I wasn't me, i was wreckless and confident and...loud?

Maybe it was all too much, too soon?

Now...i'm back to self harming, not wanting to eat, suicidal, unable to cope, unable to function, anxiety is....unbelievable. I can barely go outside anymore without feeling sick to my stomach, dizzy, angry, afraid, alone...

I feel so....alone.

I can't talk to my mum, i've lost my best friend because we tried to be more and it failed...i can't talk to anyone and it feels like everything is slipping away again.

All i do with my days is, house work, drink copious amounts of coffee and..watch tv.

It's all i can manage without freaking out.

I'm trying to cope with going out...but it causes so much panic. I'm finding myself looking for excuses not to go anywhere.

My house is my prison/solace.

I can't cope with anything.

I feel myself wasting away...i'm bony, pale and lethargic.

My life is a waste.

 A few months ago, i got assessed by a new psychologist, diagnosis: Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder.

It's not an official diagnosis, she didn't have the power to do that, but she said, it's more than likely. After all the intrusive questions.

Currently awaiting CBT.

Can't wait...

Astra x

P.S: If you're a new follower, or i'm not following you back, shout it out please!

Trying to get back into the swing of reading all your blogs.

Please, is anyone there???????????

I tried recovery

I failed.

Now i'm back, exactly the same as before.

Is anyone there????????

Nobody. Nothing.

 

I tried to kill myself last week.

I don't want this anymore.

Everyone i loved has left me.

My heart, my soul aches.

I just don't want this anymore.

Update On Failure.

 

It's just an update to say, i'm still alive...just.

Not that anyone cares anyway.

Things are just so incredibly bad at the moment...

I've distanced myself from nearly everybody now.

It's my 21st this month too...i haven't even planned anything. The thought stresses me the fuck out.

Everything is shit.

I'll update properly soon...

Sorry i'm such a bad friend.

 

I love you all.

That'll never change.

Just don't stop loving me?

 

 

Astra x

I Don't Really Have Any Words...

 

 

 

I guess...this picture best describes how i feel right now.

Just lost. Empty inside.

I don't know how to explain what's going on in my head right now.

Me and S nearly broke up the other night. Because of yet another stupid argument that got out of hand. I feel like he's losing interest in me because i don't seem to be making progress...in his eyes.

He wants a girl who can provide for herself and has ambition. And right now...that girl isn't me.

I'm scared. I'm so fucking scared of losing him.

But i don't feel good enough for him...

I'm convinced he's looking elsewhere since we've been arguing...he's done it before..and that's when he fucked her.

 

I don't know how to apply myself to anything.

I've lost hope of all future.

I'm back here...again.

The lonely, yet sickly comforting place of hell.

I've sunk...way, way below.

You know, today, i told my mum everything about my past eating habits and rituals...babbled on about how i felt it was like some sort of twisted game...to get those numbers as low as possible. And i didn't even care if i died.

She said she knew...but how could she?

All the habits i got into..how i was..."anorexic". Whatever.

 

I'm tired of fighting this pety little game.

I've convinced everyone...but one..that i'm ok.

One friend i hadn't spoken to for months...call him D.

He rang me....told me he knew id been struggling lately. I think he must be psychic. I nearly cried down the phone, explaining things...but i kept it together and laughed it off...as if it were nothing.

I don't even care.

I don't care about me anymore. I want to die.

Suicide. What a word huh?...

Such a strong, blasphemous word.

And yet i've felt it for the past 2 weeks or so...

I'm tired of being everyones let down.

All i ever wanted was for everyone to be proud of me.

And now, everyone seems to be embarrassed of me.

 

I don't want to live this life anymore.

There is no  hope...no faith left in me.

This will never go away. This thing will forever haunt me until its won.

So, i might as well let it.

 

 

Astra x

I Don't Understand What's Going On...

 

 

 

 

Those two pictures make so much sense right now.

I'm sorry i've been away...my life is one big fuck up right now...and i'm not sure where to start...

 

The demons have worked their way back into my head again...and they wont leave. They've made a lovely home inside my head, seems like they're building a family in there...

I cut...last week?...Someone....has taken my blade from my room...it's either S or my mum...either way i went mad...searched everywhere for a new one..but they are all leg shavers, still attached..and it was late so i couldn't hammer them out. So i wet for the scissors instead. It hurts more than a razor, i suppose because its blunter? It made blood anyway..and the marks are still very much visable.

I attempted OD the other night too...kinda failed...ionly took enough to create a massive dizzy spell and kinda passed out. I'm such a tool.

My anger is back...suicide is back...cutting is back.

Everything is back.

I've not seen anyone for....i can't even remember how long now, i've sort of cut off from the outside, right now. It's easier...i don't have to pretend. I've barely even txt anyone in the last 2 weeks.

I got another tattoo?...i think that's the only thing i've done thats positive.

 

I'm not even sure what to write...i'm so....empty right now?

I guess one major thing is going on..well..it's major to me...

Remember C? My ex? I never went into detail about him, about how much of a psycho he was...how vile, poisonous he was....let me explain a little about him, before i go on, so you understand a little more....

 

 

He will come across as the sweetest guy you'll ever meet..hence why i dated him in the first place....but deep down...he is horrendous. While we were together....he was the most controlling person i have ever met...he would tell me, literally, who i could see and hang out with, he would delete guy friends from my phone, if he was jelous, he would then secretly talk to them behind my back and be-friend them...stealing them from me as such. Start hanging out with them, making them HIS friends. And everytime they wanted to hang with me, he would invite himself along...if i was caught by him in town seeing someone, he'd again, tag along, making the whole day about HIM. Doing whatever he wanted to do, getting their number, MSN etc...so he could have them all to himself....but if i were to say WTF are you doing? I would seem the bad guy, simply because he was so good at getting his hooks into MY friends. In the end...i had barely any friends of my own.He stole my best friend..2 of my best friends actually. And made them hate me. He would tell me how much makeup to wear...if i wore too much he'd call me a slag, whore, i looked like a prostitute....he would tell me what to wear...if i wore something a little too low cut, he'd tell me i looked easy...or again...like a prostitute...on nights out with my friends (who i had left) he would have me STALKED. No joke. He'd get his friends to follow me. To make sure i wasn't cheating. He would then say to MY friends...he thought i was cheating...and then have them feel sorry for him, because he was always good at pretending to cry. And have them call me and ask wtf was i playing at? He would call me some nights, 20+ times, txt me 15 times, call my mum 5 times, call my friends, god knows how many times...if i didn't pick up my phone. To basically check up on me. He would then, openly tell me, tons of people hated my guts for how i treated him!!?? But when i asked for names, he never gave them...so obviously he was lying. To make me feel insecure and shitty? And would then proceed to tell me, some of "his" guy mates thought i was ugly..and that he could do better. Let me just stop there. Picture this: A stocky, clinically obese GINGER. HAIRY GINGER ( And i mean hairy, shoulders, back, arse, hands..you name it). With no dress sense, a total skank ( He literally wouldn't wash for days on end..til he stunk). And then me...a small girl, 6st, tiny, clean, well dressed. And HE could do better????

Anyway...he also used to go down my phone looking at ALL my private messages. And look down my diary. Which had all sorts of depressive shit in it...

Oh yeah..and thats not even mentioning the sick and twisted lies he used to tell me...i wont go into them, but believe me when i say they were SICK. And lastly...how he COPIED my depression...thats right....all to get attention. As soon as it came out i was clinically severly depressed, he suddenly was...but obviously twice as bad as me...after him telling me i was "stupid, pathetic, meladramatic, horrible, attention seeking" for having my depression?

Oh yeah...and he "attempted suicide" ( This was the first time) with 3 paracetamols....and yeah, at nearly 17st, thats gonna do a lot...

 

Oh yeah...and called the police on me..and told them i was committing suicide..in my house,( All because i had told a friend a few days earler..who then told him...that i was feeling really low, and i had self harmed) so they broke my front door down, and tipped the place upside down, searching for  evidence...when i wasn't even home...i was with S...so the police were called in his area and they found me...safe and well. And then when that plan fell through, then FAKED a suicide attempt...got sent to hospital, because his friend freaked..found him " passed out" on the floor....and then got done for wasting hospital and police time. All to get my fucking attention!!!????

 

And i'm the fucking psycho????????

 

And there is soooooooooooo much more....if you really want to know, i'll tell you...it'll probabaly take another page or two...

So anyway.......after 2 years of being free from him..he  is once again...spreading poisonous lies about me, all over town. Turning everyone against me.

I've apparently,

Stole money from him

Cheated on him

Beat him up...

Caused his "depression"

Slept with every guy in town

Stalked him

Caused his life to be a nightmare...

 

And everyone believes him....

I'm a total cunt.

Yeah thanks for that...so for the second time, you're spreading shit about me....after 2 years apart...

Why can't you leave me alone and fucking die!?

I never thought hate could be this strong....but for everything he put me through, through all the years we were together...and now...i actually, truly wish death upon him.

 

So this is one of the things that's getting me so fucking low...

I can't even begin to explain.

Sorry...this has turned into a huuggeee rant....

 

 

Astra x

MEERRRYYYY CHHRRIIISSSSSTTMMMAASSSSS :)

 

 

 

 

I love that picture.... hahaha.

 

Sooo,

HAPPY CHRISTMAS BEAUTIES!

I hope you have a wonderful happy  day! :)

It's raining where i am...not very jolly right?

Soooooo much food in the cupboards for tomorrow... ><

But fuck it...i guess?

I'll just have to work extra hard to get all that fat back off!  Ready for new year...no one wants to start a new year being fat, right?...

New year fresh start and all that...

Anyway....

 

Have lovely days everyone!

I'll do a proper update soon, promise

 

Love,

Astra x



I Can't Breathe.

 

 

 

 

 

I don't know where to start...

I'm going round in circles here...

I looked in the mirror today, in the dress im going to wear for new years...and just thought...fuck. You're ruining that pretty little dress with that disgusting body of yours.

I'm sinking again.

I feel so sad...ugly and i'm so tired...

Tired of this pathetic life i'm living.

I got offered a sort of job the other day...doing what i had studied in college, just a few days a week, profits split 60/40 to me, as i wouldn't have to rent a room in the salon...and i so want to do it....this is the perfect oppurtunity...but i can't, once they know i'm on this benefit, they'll ask why...and i'll have to tell them...i'm still cutting, still feeling suicidal, still having nightmares, still having days where i can't get out of the house...how can i possibly work? What if i have a panic attack there? They aren't going to want a severly depressed girl with bi-polar tendancies who self harms and thinks of ODing from time to time...i'm not reliable...some days i could make it out...others, i can't leave my bed.

I'm a complete failure.

Everyone around me thinks i'm "so much better" but truth is...most of that " happiness" is complete acting. Because in my head, i'm thinking...if i don't show big progress soon, people are going to leave me.

I've been on "sick benefits" for nearly 2 years now...this wasn't the plan!

I wanted to make something of myself!

I don't feel good enough for anybody to love...

I feel like S is losing faith in me to ever make something of myself...i feel like he's slipping away...he isn't proud to call me his girlfriend. Why should he be? I don't work...i don't drive...i still live at home. I keep thinking he's going to leave me...because he wants someone better for himself. His family want better for him than me.

But they don't understand!!!! No body around me understands!!!

No one knows the torture i live everyday. The nightmares i live with.

No body gets it. No body truly knows who i am.

Because if people knew...they would leave.

If people knew i cut, and when i cut i go as deep as i can, the pleasure i get from it is incredible. The blood. If people knew i've ODed...and sometimes still crave to, the buzz from popping those pills, one by one...If people knew i used to eat just 200 calories a day at times, watching eat bite of food, pulling my fat, watching myself fade away til i saw collarbones prutruding, til i saw my front and back ribs, til my hips were so pointy there was a huge gap between me and the underwear, til my stomach concaved. If people knew i daydreamed about killing myself. In detail. If people read my diary..the disgusting vile, freakishly weird shit...if people knew how i saw the world, the fucked up things i think, really fucked up....if people REALLY knew who i was, they would leave.

I'm wasting away in this life...doing nothing but watching tv, laying in bed til ridiculous hours...doing NOTHING. Watching the world go by.

I'm sure friends, family and S are starting to think i want this? I want to be a waster. But i DON'T! I hate it. I hate me for doing it. I want to work, drive, live alone...but they don't understand true depression. Depression so deep inside me i've had it since i was 15! All this time i've been struggling, wading through this mud.

I got weighed at the doctors Wednesday, 44.4kg BMI of 17.3.

That means i've lost a couple of pounds...and i was happy.

I can't go back there again. I can't start wanting to lose weight again...but its there...that little craving to restrict...its there.

NO ONE UNDERSTANDS WHO THE FUCK I AM!!!

No one gets what depression is doing to me.

It restricts my life to the point of being bed bound.

Everyone just says,

"Get over it, get up, face the day with a smile, people are worse off than you, snap out of it"...etc, etc...

IT DOESN'T FUCKING WORK LIKE THAT!!!!

No one here gets it...and i guess that's why i feel so damn alone.

And i guess thats why i cry myself to sleep.

 

Now i just feel like this was a whole " attention seeking" post...it really wasn't.

 

Astra x



Just A Little Thankyou, Angels.

 

 

 

 

This post is purely just to thank each and every one of you who read and comment on my blog.

You are my angels.

I love you all dearly and i wouldn't know what i'd do without all of you.

We are all fighting our own wars, but together we become stronger. And one day we will look back on all of this and laugh at those demons that brought us down! Because we might have grazed knees from where we fell, but we can still stand tall, taller than ever, knowing how strong we truly are.

From the first day i started this blog, i never for a minute thought i would find my solace, find people who would take the time to read my dark thoughts, and try to even then, bring a smile to my face. But you have, and i thankyou so much for that.

You are all so beautiful and loving.

Here is the only place i can really pour my heart out, and write down how i secretly feel inside, without the fear of being judged.

Here, its like my secret world, a place where i can be me, somewhere i can escape the outside. Somewhere i can escape from reality.

You are all like a sort of family! An online family! Especially those who have read my blog from nearly the very start.

 

I just wanted to let you know, i love you girls.

 

And i wanted to also thankyou for nominating me for the Leibster Blog Award.

I would write a post, like i'm supposed to for it, but i don't know what i'm supposed to do, because i've only just come back online from being away, so the award ceremony, if you like, has gone :(

But i'll defiantly be here for the next one!

And i'll do a proper update soon.

 

 

All my love and cuddles,

 

 

Astra x

Update:FAIL

 

 

 

Dear lovelies,

 

 

I should really blog more often...then i wouldn't have to write tons and tons to catch you all up on my pathetic life.

So...i failed...a few days ago i cut...i got myself in a fit of rage and upset about my "future" about how shit its going to be..about how i can't see anything clearly..about how i can't see anything working out for me...so i sat on my bed and sobbed, stared at my arm for a while, imagined doing it...and then it eventually took over and i grabbed for the razor...

To see the blood once more, dripping off my skin...it brang me some solace...some peace, you know?

Until about half hour after...i felt stupid and weak. I regretted it, big time.

But i only done it out of desperation...to stop my head spinning, to stop the angry, aggressive thoughts...to stop the inner pain.

The last couple of weeks have just been hell..its like 2 steps forward, 3 steps back.

I'm left feeling utterly disgusting and depressive again.

"I hate myself and i want to die" is what i wrote on one of my blood stained tissues that night.

What is wrong with me?

It was either pills or the blade...i chose the blade...but neither of those options are healthy...

 

Christmas is coming up..incase you didn't know...

I'm not even the least bit excited?

I just feel empty.

Buying presents doesn't bring me joy, looking at christmas stuff doesn't make me smile...i'm just an empty shell again...wondering about the town looking for stuff for people they'll probably only use once then stuff in in a closet never to be seen again.

Shit. I am so damn miserable. It shouldn't be like this...i'm only 20. I should be enjoying every minute i can...i'm more like a hermit.

I'm not looking forward to the day...fake a smile, fake a laugh, stuff your face..then feel fat.

My mum and me have sort of come to a decision about it, we might just stay home and have it together instead of going all the way to my grandparents..where everyone is oh so...FAKE. I love that word.

It does sound shitty right? Home for Christmas? But we've done it before...it is cheery and happy. And we'll go see the family probably before it arrives anyway?

I have got an early present from her though, it is.........an abs toning belt! Time to tone this belly!

It's like the lazy girls workout...you simply strap it round yourself, and it sends electric signals to your nerves, causing your ab muscles to tense..basically a sit up...without doing the hard work. 20 minutes is equivelent to 120 sit ups! Plus there are workout levels on it...beginner, intermidiate and expert...it goes up to an intensity level of 99...i'm already on 51, which is already like a very intense stomach contraction! The higher you go the quicker you'll see results! It says it takes about 1 month to see a change if used 5 times a week...but fuck it. I'm using it everyday if possible! I'm impatient. Long as my stomach doesn't kill me for it! I don't want to wake up unable to move!

So hopefully...by Christmas i'll notice a difference! No more podge!

I'm hopefully if possible going to take it to S's tomorrow...because i am staying at his til Friday...and i don't want to go 5 days without using it.

I'm getting the train on my own tomorrow...not all the way to his, he's meeting me half way. But it is a start to conquering my fear though, right? Baby steps.

It will be an hours worth of train ride on my own, which is good for a start...i think. All in all it takes about 2 hours from mine to his...so...i'm doing half the time on my own? Just not half the stations...I can't conquer them all on my own...just yet.

I'm gonna get there early, so i wont panic...which means getting up at...8am..time for shower, packing and getting my nerves under control.

Wish me luck...i better go to bed because its...1.15am...i'll never be up at this rate.

 And here's fucking hoping S doesn't notice the marks on my arm....this is going to need a ton of foundation to cover...

 

Love you all,

 

Astra x



When Are Things Going To Change?

 

Hey girlies,

 

Sorry i've been a bad blogger!

I just ran out of things to say, i didn't wanna bore you with the same old shit :(

I'm ill at the moment, which doesn't help my mood!

Bloody heavy cold, sore throat, body aches all over...you know!

So things haven't really changed...i realied today i'm meant to pick up my next set of pills...now ive realised how little i've taken this month...i still have a whole packet left! But i have to pick up my next set otherwise the doctors are going to get suspicious...bleh.

So i'm going to have to throw the ones i have left away!

I feel too ill to go do it though :(

I do really need to start taking them regular again...i'm falling apart without the help :/

I'm still not sure about taking the new pills though...i'm too scared...but if i don't i'm just gna be stuck in this same rut forever!...ergh.

 

So me and S are still constantly arguing...

He's a huge stress.

Constantly going on about how shit his life is...

Talking about moving out to his own place coz him and his mum are always at eachothers throats..and i've been witness to that...awkward.

He wants me to move with him still...but i'm just not ready to move so far away from my family and friends and the only way i could come visit would be by train...which of course you all know i'm terrified of.

And he doesn't know how to deal with my moods...if i get really down and depressed...how's he going to cope? I'll be so alone...plus if he gets into one of his "moods" literally where he shuts off for no reason and totally ignores me :S How am i meant to cope with that?

 

Things with mum are stil roughly the same...

She went on about how S still hasn't met the family yet...but to be honest i'm not fussed...yeah it's a little odd...but i don't really have a bond with any of them..on my mums side, they're just relations to me...not family.

They've judged me my whole life, comparing me to my cousins who have done soooo well in life...fuck off? I've had problems of my own. I don't want them judging him...

Plus my grandad has dementure...and its going to be so uncomfortable for me and him because he can be a little unpredictable...and if he suddenly forgets where he is, i don't want him chucking S out of the house because he has suddenly forgot who he is...it wouldn't be right...i'm just trying to think of everyone here, trying to make the best decision.

 

But anyway...life is still the same.

This has turned into a ramble...

I'm surprised you lot read my rubbish :)

But i love you for it <3

 

 

Astra x





I Don't Know What's Going On Anymore!

 

I'm at a loss with myself again.

I don't know how to think, feel, react...live.

I feel like i'm sinking again.

And at this point..lets say for the last few weeks, i can see rock bottom again.

The urge to cut is back with a vengeance...slight suicidal thoughts are entering my head again...the want, to OD etc...

I don't know who i am all over again.

I knew the progress i made wouldn't last.

I'm so so angry all the time.

My mum detests me...constantly shouting and screaming at me about every little thing i do...everything i do is wrong in her eyes. She hates me. And right now, i hate her too.

She looks at me with disgust in her eyes...she wont talk to me..and when she does its insults. She pisses me off to the max. And she knows she does...she knows which buttons to press to make me explode into a fit of rage which i then can't seem to control. I really can't. I just have so much anger in me, its unreal. She picks at everything i do. Blames me for everything, i'm not exaggerating. And then makes me out to be the cruel nasty one when i lose my temper? Because she gets me to the point where i'm screaming nearly at the top of my lungs, swearing my head off, going red in the face. I have to keep my cool best i can because if not, then she'll just ban S from staying over...which is supposed to be happening tomorrow...and then i know her insults will get worse. Because then she has to do them subtly, so he wont notice, but i sure as hell will. She always does it. It brings me down. Makes me feel  worthless and disgusting. And she even tries to turn S against me...insulting me at the same time!

She is being impossible to live with.

You know i'm so pent up with anger at the moment, that even when we are sitting watching tv, and i hear her chewing, i just want to throw her fucking dinner plate across the room and tell her to shut the fuck up. She has these little habits that drive me insane...like, chewing loud, doing everything and i mean EVERYTHING as if she's living in slow motion. The fact that, no joke, she pays more attention to the fucking cat than to me. And believe me...i hate that cat. She hisses, scratches, bites, lashes out. She's attacked both our faces before too, just literally jumped at them and clawed them to bits. But no. Even then, it MY fault the cat i like that because " She can sense i don't like her". WTF??!! She treats that cat with more respect than me. You don't see me running at her face with a knife though do you?!

I hate living here...i feel so alone.

And i bet, tomorrow when S turns up she'll make a massive scene, embarresing me about the fact i never asked her if he could stay...even though i've told her my plans for the last 2 weeks. I just know it. ANYTHING to wind me up and create yet more of an atmosphere.

 

I sound like a bitch right?

I'm really not...

I just cannot stand the woman at the moment, the way she's lashing out at me all the time.Screaming in my face, blaming me for all thats wrong in the world, insulting me in everything i do, laughing at me, calling me pathetic.

 

She's causing these feelings to arise again, i just know it...i can only take so much shit from her for this amount of time before it takes effect.

 

So yeah...S is coming down tomorrow...

And my head is already filled with doubt...because of the way i'm feeling, tomorrow just seems like one huge stress out. We are going to a halloween party Saturday, while i stay at his.. for a little while, ( So i'll be offline for about a week?) it'll be good to get away from home, but he's just as stressed as me with his mum too...so it'll be yet more atmosphere. Yes, i am looking forward to seeing him, i really am...but...theres something inside of me thinking...he doesn't really want to be here...i'm not good enough. He doesn't love me anymore...

I know i don't have any evidence to back this up...its just how i feel.

And to top it off...he said he really wants sex tomorrow...but my body looks foul. I've blown up in acne coz of the stress and anxiety, all over my face and chest, i feel chubby, i feel overall ugly. And i have huge bags under my eyes through lack of sleep, because i've barely slept this past month.

 

I just feel so alone.

I feel like my friends hate me...i've even tried talking to people i've lost contact with..and that failed. They didn't wanna know me.

I feel S doesn't love me half as much anymore.

And my own mother is repulsed by me.

 

I want my dad back, and i want to run away from all of this, to somewhere i'm wanted.

I'm filling up with tears now...so i'll leave it at this...sorry...this post wasn't meant to be this long.

 

 

I love you.

 

Astra x



Cry, Just Cry.

 

 

 

Dear lovelies,

 

2 years today...(technically yesterday seeing as it's past midnight) my dad, went to live with the angels.

I can't believe its been that long...doesn't seem it at all.

The days leading up to this day, all i've been doing is crying myself to sleep.

Wanting, needing him. Missing him like crazy...guilt racing through my mind.

A whole bunch of what if's.

I was a shit daughter to him...i should of been there for him, to help him through his depression...but how could i of helped him if he told no one? He just hid it through alcohol. How could i of helped him if i barely ever saw him once he got married?

But still...guilt pulses through my veins.

Maybe if i had told him about me, what i'm going through, he would of stayed?

I should of been there for him...but instead everyone turned their back on him...including me...

He has been threatening suicide for years...how was i to know this last threat wasn't going to be empty?

I love him so much...i just wish i had of told him...

I still feel like it's my fault.

( This is one very very long story being made extremly short here...simply because if i were to write out everything, it would take pages...)

 

Me, and my grandparents went to tend the grave today...it looks so much better, we planted new flowers, cleaned it all up and trimmed back the plants.

It looks peaceful and pretty again.

 

As for me...

I haven't been taking my meds again...2 weeks now...i just can't bring myself to...it makes me feel so weak and pathetic.

Sick even.

I want to be able to fight this alone, without the aid of pills...but it's not working.

Lately, i've just been in my own bubble...not seeing anyone, talking to anyone...just sitting in watching shit tv with junk food. Infact, the only reason i do go out, is purely just to get junk food.

I disgust myself.

I tried taking sexy pics for S the other night...i haven't analysed myself in the mirror in nothing but underwear for god knows how long....and my god...i now can see how much i've changed since i put on that 9(ish)lbs all those months ago.

I tried every sexy pose possible...my arse just looked huge. And my thighs...like tree trunks.

I just want him to still want me.

 

So i'm 5"3...and i've gone from about 90lbs to 100lbs.

Yeah...i'm curvier...but...i have no ribs, no massive thigh gap, no pointy hips...

I mean...everyone, including S says i look so much better for it...and yeah, don't get me wrong, a part of me does think that as well...i mean for one thing, it's so much easier finding clothes that fit and don't hang on me. But the other half of me thinks...where the fuck did the big thigh gap go?

I'm still a UK dress size 6-8 i think thats a US dress size 4-6?

But i still feel big.

I'm finding myself back in the cycle of comparing myself to every girl that walks past. How her hair is perfect, how her body is perfect, how her face is PERFECT.

I kind of miss the snide remarks " Oh look at her, she looks like a stick" because it meant i was thin...and people noticed.

I once had complete control over my eating habits...and thats how i managed to once get down to 84lbs. I guess that is on my medical records, from ages ago..so i guess thats why my old psychiatrist thought i maybe "anorexic" this time round? Not eating barely anything day in, day out, made me feel happier, in control. But now? I eat like there's no tomorrow. I eat and eat and eat until i feel physically sick....then carry on. I'm constantly craving food.

I look in the mirror and once again, i pretty much hate what i see.

Depression is a bitch.

I want a life...but i just can't hang on to one.

 

 

( This was going to be a verryyyy long post about how shitty i'm feeling again...maybe i'll save that for next time? I'm tired.)

 

 

I love you all, dearly,

 

Astra x

I Slipped.

 

 

 

I think i slipped a little...

I came so close to cutting last night.

I got my razor, did the whole ritual of burning it, you know...to"clean" it...and pressed it  up against my skin, i pressed down as hard as i could, so my other hand was shaking with the pressure, i kept it there...but i couldn't do it...so i pressed down again in another place...and again, and again, each time just leaving a deep red mark, i didn't bleed, nor did i cut, but i had to feel some kind of pain. I restrained myself from dragging it down my arm, i imagined the pain, i imagined the blood dripping onto my bed sheets. But i didn't do it. After leaving a dozen red indents in my arm, i put it away and left it.

I beat it. I beat the temptation.

Then came the pills.

I had a glass of water by my bed at the ready, i had all my pills.

I day dreamed for a while about taking them, what it would feel like, swallowing each one, waiting for them to take hold...

I imagined passing out, laying lifeless in my bed, unable to move.

With the darkness of death closing in.

I was staring at my drawer where i keep the pills for about half hour...contemplating.

But again...i beat it. Somehow.

 

That night, last night, i just sat on my bed crying, terrified.

I was up until 5am, tossing and turning, crying at each given moment, unable to turn my thoughts off.

I was so scared.

I was scared how alone i've become again, i'm scared about a future i may have now, i'm scared everyone around me will die, and i'll be left on my own. I'm scared of everything...and i still am.

I feel like i've relapsed a little again...

 

I'm feeling more and more isolated from people, once more.

I don't want to go out, i don't want to talk to anybody, see anybody.

It's all too much effort.

I want to be alone...but at the same time, i don't?

My life is non existent, i do nothing, every day.

Taking a shower, doing my hair, putting makeup on...it's all such effort...and for what?

To fake a smile, to put on a happy face, to be chatty...when all i want to do is shut up and be alone.

I don't want to be sociable...to be brutally honest...it bores me...only because of the fact, i have to be completly fake.

I don't talk to my friends about how i feel anymore, and now a few of them are on at me to get a job, move out..blah blah blah....so they think i magically cured myself? Like its all gone away? Just because i don't talk about it?

Gimme a break.

If it were that easy, i wouldn't be where i am now.

Still getting suicidal, still staring at thinspo, still hating myself, still sometimes not being able to leave my own house through fear, still filled with paranioa and anxiety, still staring at tumblr blogs filled with depression and hate. Still stuck in this rut of pure depression.

 

I'd have a career, id have moved out, id be happy.

 

 

A part of me does want to get better, it wants to move on, it wants to succeed, be happy...but the other half is too scared, it's still stuck in this pit.

I still cry myself to sleep some nights because i hurt, so badly.

It wont go away.

And it's nights like this, that i believe this will burden me for the rest of my days.

I'll die a nobody. Someone that gave nothing to society, only took. Someone that gave up.

Because some days, thats what i want to do, give up.

It just seems, as soon as i take a step forward, something drags me back down, whether it be a trivial thing, or something big...it will always get me.

 

Astra x

Stuck In A Rut.



So...i went to see my psychiatrist today at long last!!

I almost didn't make it, traffic was awful on the bus! And in the end i ended up an hour late!

But...i saw him anyway..had a catch up on things, he thinks i've improved a bit since i last saw him.

Obviously he knew about me going on the max dosage a while back, but having to stop because i was having bad side effects...so he suggested instead...as he thinks i'm "stuck" that i should go on another anti depressant, on top of my other pills.

These ones will apparently help me sleep and reduce my anxiety.

But i dunno what to do....i'll have a think on it i guess?

I had everything i wanted to say, all planned out in my head, i had so many questions and things to say, then as soon as i entered the room my whole mind went blank and i forgot everything...so it kinda feels a waste of time going...

I just don't want this kind of life anymore. I feel a failure..i have never had a job, live at home and just...exist? I have no purpose right now.

If i died, i wouldn't be missed, in the sense that i give nothing to society, i'm on benefits, so all i do is take. But...everyone is saying i'm not ready to jump into work, because it could set me back again, if i couldn't cope.

It's like my mum said the other day while discussing it, this illness is not stable, it changes from one day to the next, one day i could be fine to work, and the next i might be suicidal...so i wouldn't be reliable enough...

I just dunno...i hate this.

 

Astra x

Sorry I've Neglected You....

 

 

Sorry i've been away for so long...i've just had nothing important to update on...my life is just totally boring...same pills, same problems, same psychiatrist..blah blah...

I mean...i haven't cut in a month and a bit?

I haven't tried to OD...

But then again..nothing bad enough has happened to me so far yet to drive me to it...

I've tried to live a normal life...but in that...my life has become an existance again.

I barely do anything anymore.

I dunno...i'm just at a halt.

My life right now is going no where.

I want to move forward, get a job, move out, learn to drive...live in the real world.

But...i'm too scared.

I'm living in a bubble...and i'm so used to it, i'm terrified of joining the real world again.

I'm trying my best to move forward.

I'm trying to eat normally, not cut, not OD, not hate myself.

I can just about look in the mirror now..thats a step!

 

Anyway...

I'm sorry for ditching you all..i didn't mean to!

I'll catch up on everyone :)

 

I still love you guys

xxx


P.S: Sorry to Tiny Rose for worrying you, i saw your comment! I'm still alive, just! x



I Can't Shake This Feeling.

Today has been one of the worst days on record for me.

I'm sat here at 3am, writing this because i need to get this off my chest.

I spent the ENTIRE day in bed, because i physically couldn't get up.

I was simply too depressed.

Thoughts were flying through my mind, suicidal ones.

And it all started because me and S ended up having a huge argument all because i wouldn't answer the phone to him...long story short...

The other day, i was feeling very depressed..as per...

So he said he would call me, but i said no, i want to be alone...so 7 missed calls later, he texts me going..oh whatever.

And i'm like, what?

Then starts throwing abuse at me, swearing at me, because i make him feel like shit because i wouldn't answer my phone?

After i explained why.

So then today....he completly ignores my texts, til about 7pm, saying ohh i'm busy talk to you later.

By that point i am seriously considering walking out my house and fucking never coming back. I was feeling shit anyway...but then to hear my own bf who is supposed to love me, doesn't care?

And then when he does text me back eventually, he starts on me AGAIN. Over literally NOTHING.

So then, i gather up the strength to ask him " do you love and want to be with me?"

He replies with, "well have you found someone better then, its up to you what you wanna do"

So then i obviously start bursting out crying.

I asked him did he even care...he came back with

"Not right now, no"

He basically came to the conclusion, I need to change. ME.

Going on about how i take him for granted, and how i treat him like shit...blah blah blah.

Then suddenly stops the conversation with "i'm going to bed, i have work"

So now......

i have no idea what is going on.

And like i said before, S is the only one keeping me going. If i don't have him, i have nothing. And if i have nothing...well....whats the point?

I ended up playing around with a knife on the sofa, it was too blunt to do anything more than surface wounds.

I can't sleep. I can't eat. I can't function.

I'm back to feeling suicidal.

And i know this all may sound pathetic...but you have no idea how much i love this boy. My whole life revolves around him.

Literally anything these days can bring back old thoughts of ..you know what...just because i feel so stressed and tense and angry and shit.

I just can't cope with ANYTHING.

I know i make him sound like a complete asshole...but maybe some of this is my fault?..

Truth of the matter is.

If we break up. I'm gone.

I can't do this alone.

He is my life.

I refuse to go on without him.

I Give Up With People.

I mean i totally give up.

I can't do right for doing wrong today.

Seems like everyone has had a dig at me today, and what did i do??

FUCK ALL.

Everyone thinks they can get away with saying shit about me, bitching about me, having a go at me, over NOTHING.

For example, i put a "funny" status up on fb today, everryone took it the wrong way and assumed because i put it up, me and S had broken up!!

Then started fucking bitching about me to him, then me and him got into an argument about it, now he's sulking like a little child and wont talk to me. Over a fucking status!!

I'm sick and tired of people walking all over me.

Expecting the world.

Well guess what???

I don't have anything to give anymore!

I'm mentally and physically tired.

Losing weight again because my body refuses to keep food down, for over a month now.

Every bite i take i feel as if i'm going to throw up.

I dunno whats wrong with me.

You know i cried for a full hour over everything today, and couldn't stop.

I've just had enough. Of everyone and everything.

I don't want to have to justify every little thing i do.

I'm SICK OF IT.

Everyone expects me to be the strong one, the one who anyone can come to me with their problems and thinks i can solve them, well i can't! I have enough problems of my own, what don't they understand?

My whole body feels like it might implode where i'm so stressed.

I just want to shut myself away from everyone, away from the tension, away from the bitchyness, away from the problems of other people, away from faking smiles, away from just human beings all together.

Why can't for once someone wait hand and foot on me?

Am i not allowed to have one fucking day without someone judging me, causing me to break down like a stupid little girl.

I just want to hide away.

I want some mental peace.

I want to run away from everyone and never come back, start fresh somewhere...you know?



I Don't Know If I Want Suicide Or Not...

Now i'm stuck again...

I don't know what i want.

Suicide? No one should say this unless they mean it. It's not something to be taken lightly. It's death.

And in the past i have meant it, hence the OD's.

And it's entered my head again...but...i thought long and hard. Do i really have the guts to die? Because once i'm gone, i'm gone. No turning back.

Part of me is too scared...the other..can't take this anymore, how many times have i said that? ha.

I feel totally on my own.

No matter how many people i surround myself with, there is some kind of invisible wall up, blocking everyone out.

"Because nothing sucks worse than feeling alone, no matter how many people are around."

I can't take this feeling anymore.

I'm so angry all the time.

S keeps insinuating that i'm being "needy"

All because i say i need to see him....

Then goes off and insinuates that i'm not loving enough...

I CAN'T FUCKING WIN.

Then goes off in moody childish strops all because i was blunt with him, because quite frankly, i've had enough.
I get the feeling off of hi, that he's sick of me being like this, and if i don't "snap out of it" as to say, he'll leave me.

Sometimes, i just wish i wasn't ever in this situation.

I'm too nice. Way too fucking nice.

I treat people as if they're royalty...like, they are my meaning for life.

And i get nothing in return!!!

I watch every word i say, i make sure my actions wont hurt anybody else, i tip toe around everybody!

I'm bored of being nice.

Why is it the more genuine, nice and giving you are, the more of a prick the people on the other end act?

Oh yeah...and what doesn't help my mood either is that that cunt has moved her blog again, to another URL, so i can't find it.

Now i'm on the edge of my seat, biting my finger nails wondering what the fuck she is writing about me and S.

I've tried everything to try and find it, searching all through google, through twitter, through facebook, even creating fake accounts to track it down....NOTHING.

I'm getting obsessed.

I'm letting this rule my life.

Absoulutly NOTHING is going right.

I'm losing my grip on reality.

I have nobody anymore.

Everyone ran away, everyone is ok again....

While i'm still stuck in this cycle of self destruction.

I feel too old for this now? I feel pathetic.

I'm 20 for fucks sake.

Surely i should be ok? Surely i should just "get on with it"?

But no. It wont go away. It's still ruling my life.

Part of me wants to die before i hit 21. I truely do.

I'm still re-reading my Nancy Spungen book.

Just for the fact i can relate to her so much..apart from the drugs and shit.

She died before she hit 21, stabbed..either by herself or in a suicide pact with her Boyfriend Sid Vicious.

She lived her life through schizophrenia and depression, i know i'm not schizopherinic...but i can relate to the most part.

Read her book. It's amazing.

Bottom line is....i don't know what to do.

If i had a gun, it would be easy. Id do it for sure. But OD...it's a slow painful death. I don't know if i could handle that alone...but who would stand by and be with me while i died? No one is the answer. I wouldn't want to put someone through that anyway.

i just...don't know what to do...

Astra x