I guess...this picture best describes how i feel right now.
Just lost. Empty inside.
I don't know how to explain what's going on in my head right now.
Me and S nearly broke up the other night. Because of yet another stupid argument that got out of hand. I feel like he's losing interest in me because i don't seem to be making progress...in his eyes.
He wants a girl who can provide for herself and has ambition. And right now...that girl isn't me.
I'm scared. I'm so fucking scared of losing him.
But i don't feel good enough for him...
I'm convinced he's looking elsewhere since we've been arguing...he's done it before..and that's when he fucked her.
I don't know how to apply myself to anything.
I've lost hope of all future.
I'm back here...again.
The lonely, yet sickly comforting place of hell.
I've sunk...way, way below.
You know, today, i told my mum everything about my past eating habits and rituals...babbled on about how i felt it was like some sort of twisted game...to get those numbers as low as possible. And i didn't even care if i died.
She said she knew...but how could she?
All the habits i got into..how i was..."anorexic". Whatever.
I'm tired of fighting this pety little game.
I've convinced everyone...but one..that i'm ok.
One friend i hadn't spoken to for months...call him D.
He rang me....told me he knew id been struggling lately. I think he must be psychic. I nearly cried down the phone, explaining things...but i kept it together and laughed it off...as if it were nothing.
I don't even care.
I don't care about me anymore. I want to die.
Suicide. What a word huh?...
Such a strong, blasphemous word.
And yet i've felt it for the past 2 weeks or so...
I'm tired of being everyones let down.
All i ever wanted was for everyone to be proud of me.
And now, everyone seems to be embarrassed of me.
I don't want to live this life anymore.
There is no hope...no faith left in me.
This will never go away. This thing will forever haunt me until its won.
So, i might as well let it.
Astra x
:'( I'm so sorry you are struggling right now. I've completely been there. Try to fight through it. Sorry I don't have much to say, just wanted you to know I'm listening and offer some hugs. Take care.
ReplyDeleteI understand where S is coming from, but I'm in your shoes. In my eyes, I feel like I'm trying, but in my bf's eyes, I'm not. Don't give him the chance to go find someone else like he did before. I'm sorry things are hard right now and you feel like giving up, but you're strong and you've made it through before, you can do it again. Lots of love.
ReplyDeleteXOXO
I'm sorry you're struggling so much. I wish there was something I could say, but please know you're in my thoughts. Please try to keep yourself safe, and yell out for help if you need to <3 xxxx
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry that you're going through such a hard time right now. I too am fighting the urge to just let this take over and give up. But I know that you still have hope. The fact that you told your mom everything, just proves that you still want to be better. Some small part of you, but still a part of you, wants to recover. Doesn't want to die from this, or live this way. Don't give up, keep your head in there. And you can email me at hugdapuppies@gmail.com anytime, I would love to chat and help if I can. Xxx
ReplyDeletehi :)
ReplyDeletei came across your page and i just thought i'd let you know that i can understand how hard it can be to trust someone after they cheat. back in september my fiance cheated with a fat nasty skanky slut and i'm just now starting to get to where i can trust him to go to the grocery store by himself without having a full blown panic attack. if he is bringing you down you have to decide who is more important to you. you or him? we're all here for a reason. sometimes you just need time to figure out what that reason is. don't let little small stuff get in the way of being comfortable in your own skin. like a wise person once told me "this too shall pass". feel free to drop by my page if you ever need to talk :)
keep your head up girlie. dont take life too seriously, we dont ever get out alive.
xoxoxo
daisy <3