I Don't Understand What's Going On...

 

 

 

 

Those two pictures make so much sense right now.

I'm sorry i've been away...my life is one big fuck up right now...and i'm not sure where to start...

 

The demons have worked their way back into my head again...and they wont leave. They've made a lovely home inside my head, seems like they're building a family in there...

I cut...last week?...Someone....has taken my blade from my room...it's either S or my mum...either way i went mad...searched everywhere for a new one..but they are all leg shavers, still attached..and it was late so i couldn't hammer them out. So i wet for the scissors instead. It hurts more than a razor, i suppose because its blunter? It made blood anyway..and the marks are still very much visable.

I attempted OD the other night too...kinda failed...ionly took enough to create a massive dizzy spell and kinda passed out. I'm such a tool.

My anger is back...suicide is back...cutting is back.

Everything is back.

I've not seen anyone for....i can't even remember how long now, i've sort of cut off from the outside, right now. It's easier...i don't have to pretend. I've barely even txt anyone in the last 2 weeks.

I got another tattoo?...i think that's the only thing i've done thats positive.

 

I'm not even sure what to write...i'm so....empty right now?

I guess one major thing is going on..well..it's major to me...

Remember C? My ex? I never went into detail about him, about how much of a psycho he was...how vile, poisonous he was....let me explain a little about him, before i go on, so you understand a little more....

 

 

He will come across as the sweetest guy you'll ever meet..hence why i dated him in the first place....but deep down...he is horrendous. While we were together....he was the most controlling person i have ever met...he would tell me, literally, who i could see and hang out with, he would delete guy friends from my phone, if he was jelous, he would then secretly talk to them behind my back and be-friend them...stealing them from me as such. Start hanging out with them, making them HIS friends. And everytime they wanted to hang with me, he would invite himself along...if i was caught by him in town seeing someone, he'd again, tag along, making the whole day about HIM. Doing whatever he wanted to do, getting their number, MSN etc...so he could have them all to himself....but if i were to say WTF are you doing? I would seem the bad guy, simply because he was so good at getting his hooks into MY friends. In the end...i had barely any friends of my own.He stole my best friend..2 of my best friends actually. And made them hate me. He would tell me how much makeup to wear...if i wore too much he'd call me a slag, whore, i looked like a prostitute....he would tell me what to wear...if i wore something a little too low cut, he'd tell me i looked easy...or again...like a prostitute...on nights out with my friends (who i had left) he would have me STALKED. No joke. He'd get his friends to follow me. To make sure i wasn't cheating. He would then say to MY friends...he thought i was cheating...and then have them feel sorry for him, because he was always good at pretending to cry. And have them call me and ask wtf was i playing at? He would call me some nights, 20+ times, txt me 15 times, call my mum 5 times, call my friends, god knows how many times...if i didn't pick up my phone. To basically check up on me. He would then, openly tell me, tons of people hated my guts for how i treated him!!?? But when i asked for names, he never gave them...so obviously he was lying. To make me feel insecure and shitty? And would then proceed to tell me, some of "his" guy mates thought i was ugly..and that he could do better. Let me just stop there. Picture this: A stocky, clinically obese GINGER. HAIRY GINGER ( And i mean hairy, shoulders, back, arse, hands..you name it). With no dress sense, a total skank ( He literally wouldn't wash for days on end..til he stunk). And then me...a small girl, 6st, tiny, clean, well dressed. And HE could do better????

Anyway...he also used to go down my phone looking at ALL my private messages. And look down my diary. Which had all sorts of depressive shit in it...

Oh yeah..and thats not even mentioning the sick and twisted lies he used to tell me...i wont go into them, but believe me when i say they were SICK. And lastly...how he COPIED my depression...thats right....all to get attention. As soon as it came out i was clinically severly depressed, he suddenly was...but obviously twice as bad as me...after him telling me i was "stupid, pathetic, meladramatic, horrible, attention seeking" for having my depression?

Oh yeah...and he "attempted suicide" ( This was the first time) with 3 paracetamols....and yeah, at nearly 17st, thats gonna do a lot...

 

Oh yeah...and called the police on me..and told them i was committing suicide..in my house,( All because i had told a friend a few days earler..who then told him...that i was feeling really low, and i had self harmed) so they broke my front door down, and tipped the place upside down, searching for  evidence...when i wasn't even home...i was with S...so the police were called in his area and they found me...safe and well. And then when that plan fell through, then FAKED a suicide attempt...got sent to hospital, because his friend freaked..found him " passed out" on the floor....and then got done for wasting hospital and police time. All to get my fucking attention!!!????

 

And i'm the fucking psycho????????

 

And there is soooooooooooo much more....if you really want to know, i'll tell you...it'll probabaly take another page or two...

So anyway.......after 2 years of being free from him..he  is once again...spreading poisonous lies about me, all over town. Turning everyone against me.

I've apparently,

Stole money from him

Cheated on him

Beat him up...

Caused his "depression"

Slept with every guy in town

Stalked him

Caused his life to be a nightmare...

 

And everyone believes him....

I'm a total cunt.

Yeah thanks for that...so for the second time, you're spreading shit about me....after 2 years apart...

Why can't you leave me alone and fucking die!?

I never thought hate could be this strong....but for everything he put me through, through all the years we were together...and now...i actually, truly wish death upon him.

 

So this is one of the things that's getting me so fucking low...

I can't even begin to explain.

Sorry...this has turned into a huuggeee rant....

 

 

Astra x